11
Monday morning came both too soon and not soon enough. Monday meant one day closer to Wednesday morning, when his dad had said he would be home. However, Monday also meant school, and try as he might, he couldn’t convince his mom to let him stay home.
“What if I can’t control it, Mom?” he argued, crossing his arms over his chest and raising his eyebrows at her as they waited together at the end of the driveway, where the school bus picked him up. “There’s so many people and so many sounds. It was terrible on Friday.”
He thought he’d sounded pretty convincing. But he felt her push back against the idea even before she spoke up, and he knew there was no way he was going to win this argument.
“It was terrible on Friday, I know. But Jon, you have several strategies to help you now. And you got a lot of practice over the weekend,” she said.
She was right. His mom was always right.
<<Ha, glad you learned that early on. It took me…a while.>> The heavy weight again, pressing down on him. Pain in his right knee this time. And the same overwhelming exhaustion.
<<How much longer, Dad? Why is it taking so long for you to get here? And you’re hurting more. Why?>> He looked down and shook his head as the school bus approached, not expecting an answer from his father. Responses had been getting fewer and farther between. And every time he heard his dad’s voice in his mind, it was quieter, harder to understand. Sometimes the emotions were overpowering still, but the words tended to be jumbled, fuzzy, and unclear. Or like now, simply nonexistent.
He glanced back up at his mom, trying not to look as sad as he felt. “Okay, but…”
“If it gets really bad, have Mrs. Jameson call me.”
With a nod, he wrapped his arms around his mom’s waist again in a brief embrace and then climbed up the steps onto the school bus. He turned around and waved at her, doing his best to give her a big smile, and he felt her spirits lift just a little as she grinned back at him.
“I love you, Mom!”
“I love you too, sweetie. Have a good day!”
The bus door closed, and Jon turned to greet the bus driver, Mr. McKinnon, before heading down the aisle toward the back. His stop was one of the first on the route, and so the bus was fairly empty still. The only other passenger was Raegan Martin, a fifth grader who wasn’t known for being one of the nice kids at school. She scowled at him as he passed by but then quickly dipped her head.
<<Leave me alone. Please. Just wanna be alone.>> Feelings of sadness and despair. Raw and deep and painful.
Unprepared for the intensity of her feelings, Jon almost stumbled. He grabbed onto one of the seats to steady himself and then shook his head as he quickly slid into the seat behind Raegan.
<<The whole bus, and he had to sit so close by.>> Jon swallowed and glanced out the window. His mom still stood there, watching him. She waved again, mouthed “I love you,” and smiled.
<<Love you so much, kiddo.>>I love you too, Mom, he thought. He wished she could hear him, but he knew that for some reason, his ability didn’t quite work that way, not like how it did with his dad. And so, he just grinned at her again and waved back.
From the seat in front of him, a wave of jealousy was followed by more sadness and longing and then an intense loneliness. Jon tried to block the thoughts, but they came anyways.
<<His dad might be gone, but at least his mom loves him. My mom…>> An image of a woman about as old as his mom but with scraggly blonde hair and sunken blue eyes filled with anger. Yelling.
<<“Don’t you talk to me like that! Why you little—”>> Fear, cowering. A stinging pain on his right cheek.
He heard sniffling, quiet and muffled. And he lowered his head into his hands for a moment, trying to understand what he’d heard and seen and felt. A profound sadness gripped him then. His own sadness. Carefully, he slipped out of his seat and into the seat in front of him, settling himself close to the edge so there was still a lot of space between him and Raegan. She’d huddled up against the window, her forehead resting against the glass.
“I…know you want to be alone,” he started, his voice low.
Raegan just sniffled and mumbled, “Yep.” But he heard the words she didn’t say too.
<<I don’t really. I wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time. I wish…>>Jon’s heart ached again, and he felt tears in his eyes.
“Can I sit here with you? It can be…hard sometimes…to be alone. And maybe…maybe this would be better,” he ventured, keeping his voice quiet still.
Raegan didn’t answer right away, and Jon focused all of his energy to block her thoughts. It was wrong of him to have heard her in the first place. But despite his efforts, as the bus pulled up to the next stop and two other kids got on, taking their seats near the front of the bus, he felt a barrage of mixed emotions—anger, sadness, and annoyance…but then just a tiny shred of hope and relief.
“You can sit here. Just…don’t talk.”
A small smile formed on his lips, and he turned to face the front of the bus.
“‘K, I can do that,” he said, still smiling. And then, as he realized he’d just talked when she said not to, he grimaced, quickly adding, “Oops, sorry. I mean…I shouldn’t have… Yeah, I’ll—I’ll be quiet now… Sorry.”
And then he heard a sound that made his heart feel just a little lighter. He heard Raegan let out a short, breathy laugh.
“Apology accepted, kid.”
