It's five a.m. on a Sunday morning, so what am I doing here posting fanfic? I barely slept the night before and went to bed before 8.p.m., so I woke up very early. And perhaps, if I get this off my mind, I can catch a bit of sleep before dawn breaks and the family wakes up, so here I am.
I had this idea in mind like three years ago, a complete story that bugged me and demanded to be written. But it wasn't as easy as sitting down at the laptop and start typing. While I knew most of what was going to happen to whom and how I wanted this tale to end, finding a suitable beginning was much more difficult. And so I kept writing other, easier tales. This story is finished, safe for a few lines that I might have to add to the last chapter once my wonderful beta KSsraSara got to read it. And I have to go through another few suggestions that I didn't include yet, and the many that are certainly still waiting for me once my other wonderful beta Terry Leatherwood made it to the finale.
I'm pretty sure I can handle those before posting chapter 32 is looming.
Concerning the warnings, I'm not sure what to post here without giving away half the plot. KSaraSara said that as long as I assure everyone that all the toys get back into the box (they do), every reader should be fine.
I'm not so sure about that. You see, this is the story I fixed with Beyond Closed Doors. Not that I thought the story was broken. But if you feel like you need a quick happy ever after, you should go back to reading that. Of course I hope that you'll return to this after you got your dose of waffiness.
This is a rewrite of the Phoenix, but if you expect a 32 chapter long recount of the "almost-first-date scene", you're wrong here. I never much liked the episode safe for the sweet scenes between Lois and Clark.
Believe it or not, although this is me trying to fix the A-plot of "The Phoenix", the story is supposed to focus on the B-plot, still. You, my dear reader, will be the judge of how well I managed that.
And now without further ado, on to the story.
Rated: PG 13 for Angst (a lot of it) and Violence (not too much). There's also some fluff in there that may deserve the rating.TOCA Matter Of TrustHelp me, I need your love
Don't walk away
The dark scares me so
We're nothing apart
Let's stay friends forever
Forever
Here I stand and face the rain
I know that nothing's gonna be the same again
I fear for what tomorrow brings
Trust me for whom I am
Place all your faith
Into these hands
I got nothing to say
But let's stay friends forever
Forever
Here I stand and face the rain
I know that nothing's gonna be the same again
I fear for what tomorrow brings
Here I stand and face the rain (Here I stand and face the rain)
I know that nothing's gonna be the same again
(Here I stand and face the rain - a-ha) Chapter 1Clark was falling, a scream on his lips. <Lois, help me!> She'd woken up covered in sweat and with the gnawing urge to run to his aid, to do anything to save him from a terrible fate. It had taken a while until she'd realized that it had only been a nightmare, even longer until she'd been able to go back to sleep.
Clark was fine.
He'd returned to her.
He was alive.
After another few hours of fitful sleep, Lois had dragged herself through her morning routine. Now, she stood sagged against the wall of the elevator riding up toward the newsroom. Even now, last night's dream was still lingering in waves. The nightmares had begun to fade lately, but this one had been as bad as the first ones. Perhaps it had even been worse, considering that he'd never yelled for her help. Wearily, Lois rubbed the back of her neck with a trembling hand and heaved a sigh. Ever since Clark had died - or almost died - in her arms, his death was a recurring theme in her nightmares.
With a deep breath, Lois pushed the memory aside and concentrated on better ones. Like embracing Clark after he'd returned to her. She imagined the feel of his arms around her. If she closed her eyes and focused hard, she could almost smell the scent of his aftershave and sense the warmth of his skin under her fingertips. The mental image wasn't as soothing as reality, but it helped chase away the shadows.
Perhaps tonight she'd get another moment like this with him, more good memories to fight the bad ones.
The elevator dinged.
A faint smell of freshly brewed coffee hung in the air as Lois stepped out. The newsroom was quiet as the last night shift reporter packed his bag with a huge yawn, ready to file out. So far, only a few reporters of the day shift had arrived.
Clark wasn’t one of them.
Lois let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding.
A flutter of excitement and anticipation had been her constant companion since he'd asked her out the other day. Now it decidedly shifted toward the nervous kind. She'd hoped that his presence would settle her frayed nerves, as it always did.
But he wasn't here.
They were supposed to go on their first date this evening.
So where was Clark?
It was bad enough that she’d ended up agreeing to see a Pearl Jam concert with him. She didn’t need for her nerves to get all worked up about his whereabouts, too.
Her gaze drifted across the almost empty newsroom. She took a deep calming breath. It was early, way before the time Clark usually arrived. Everything would be fine. Soon he’d step out of the elevator with a smile on his face. He’d explain what had kept him the night before and then they would work on their story.
They'd laugh, and chat, and bicker until she'd forget that she was nervous about anything. Because this was Clark, her best friend. There was nothing to get worked up about.
She was going to make it through this date. She had to because she wanted this so badly. This wasn’t going to turn into a catastrophe, just because every single one of her nerves was shooting blaring alarms through her belly. She was just having a bad case of pre-dating jitters, and that was all there was to it.
But despite the pep-talk, Lois' stomach turned into an even tighter knot as she looked at Clark's empty desk. She couldn’t help the sense of unease that crept up on her and made the hairs in the back of her neck stand on end. Yesterday he hadn’t returned from the precinct, nor had he called to explain why. Twelve hours later, he still wasn’t in.
Lois gritted her teeth and shook her head.
She was being ridiculous.
This wasn’t the first time Clark vanished for hours on end.
And every time, he returned.
Today wasn’t going to be any different.
This was just one of his usual disappearing acts, nothing to worry about.
If anything, she should be annoyed that he was doing it again. It was the worst possible timing.
<Lois, I want to go out with you!>
<Clark... about the date…>
<It's okay. Take your time. We can talk about it later.>
<What about Mayson?>
<The guy's only got two tickets.>
<Clark…>
<I'm asking you out, Lois.> Lois went down toward her desk. She placed her bag next to her sickly looking plant, feeling a pang of guilt at the sight of it. She promised herself to give the poor thing some water. Then she shrugged out of her coat and hung it over the backrest of her chair.
Her gaze involuntarily drifted toward Clark's empty desk once more. Lois bit her lip and averted her eyes. It had been all of five seconds, of course he wasn't in yet.
Still, she was annoyed with Clark that he wasn't here and annoyed with herself that it even irked her.
She let out a frustrated huff. He'd asked her out on a date. She was supposed to look forward to it, not be angry with him before their date had even started.
Admittedly, she wasn’t sure she could really look forward to a Pearl Jam concert, but she’d been afraid Clark would give up on her for good if she told him no. She knew it must have taken some courage to ask her out in the first place, after she’d given him that ‘I love you like a friend’ speech all those months ago.
And she knew Clark. Going out with him would be fun, no matter what they did. He’d go out of his way to make sure she had a good time. She had no real doubt about that.
He was the best friend she’d ever had, and probably also the best man she could ever hope for.
But he'd stood her up twice the other night. First he hadn't gotten back to her with that police report, and then he'd let her suffer through watching Bobby Bigmouth eat an impossible amount of food.
There was really no excuse for that kind of behavior.
Lois' eyes darted toward the elevator as a group of people stepped out. Jimmy waved at her before his gaze followed a slender brunette who had recently started in research. Pete from the sports section chewed on a doughnut. Clark was nowhere to be seen.
Dang it.
She missed him.
They smiled at each other in awkward silence. It was as if they both couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. Clark seemed relieved, but also stunned that she’d indeed agreed to go out with him. And Lois’ heart was suddenly beating a mile a minute, elated and afraid at the same time.
<Uh... am I interrupting something?> Jimmy turned up out of nowhere.
They both looked at him, flustered. Clark’s face reflected the same guilt she felt, as if Jimmy had caught both with their hands in the cookie jar.
<No!> Lois hurried to say, her voice in unison with Clark’s.
Jimmy smirked and held up his hands. <It's okay, guys, I'm not the principal. I just thought you'd like to know we got a copy of the lab report on that van. They found a trap door in the floor.>
Lois had a hard time collecting herself, but she was grateful for the reprieve. <So that's how they got Bender out of the van without anyone seeing them.>
Clark nodded thoughtfully. <Magic always has an explanation.>
<Anything else?> Lois asked.
She exchanged another glance with Clark and her insides turned into an ugly mess of tied knots and churning butterflies. Her heart was still beating much too fast. Good grief, if she was already such a mess about one minute after she’d agreed to go out with Clark, how was she going to survive the actual date?
Jimmy’s smile broadened. <It's registered to some guy in Park Ridge. Cops have him downtown right now.>
Lois almost sagged in relief. That was just the opportunity she needed. She half turned to leave, hoping that a breath of fresh air would help her put things into perspective. After all, it was just a date with her best friend, and he’d promised her that going out with him wouldn’t spell the end of their friendship.
She glanced back at Clark. <You start on the story. I'll go to the police station. Oh, and as long as I'm out, I can pick those…> With a start, she registered that Jimmy was still standing right beside her. <...things we need for that thing we talked about.>
Clark nodded solemnly. Then suddenly, he cocked his head. The trademark faraway look appeared on his face. <Uh, Lois, would you mind terribly if I went to the station and picked up the… things? I just remembered that I need to get something for my, for my…> He was fumbling with the knot of his tie as well as for words as he pushed back the chair and rushed around his desk. He gave her an apologetic smile. <I'm so sorry, it's kind of urgent. Be back, soon.> Well, whatever weird errand he’d felt the need to run had obviously taken him a lot longer than expected.
Once again, Lois’ gaze came to rest on Clark’s empty desk and she set her jaw firmly as she felt a surge of anger rise within her. Why couldn’t he just tell her what he was doing when he ran off instead of giving her bad excuses - or in this case, none at all? Why did he have to leave her worrying about his whereabouts?
Lois clenched her teeth, trying to push back the uneasiness that took hold of her, courtesy of last night's nightmare. Where was Clark? It wasn't the first time he was gone far longer than the errand he was supposedly running could explain.
And for the most part, she was able to ignore it because he got the job done. While his disappearing acts were annoying, they had never affected their friendship or his work.
*Until now!* she reminded herself.
The frown on her forehead deepened. Clark had never stood her up like that before without leaving a message or giving any sort of explanation for his absence. He’d promised her to come back after going to the precinct.
He’d asked her out, for Heaven’s sake!
Why did he have to start being unreliable just after she’d said yes? Didn't he know how difficult this was for her? Why couldn’t he at least tell her that he wouldn’t come back to work? Where had he been instead?
In Mayson's arms? Kissing her like he’d kissed Lois in the honeymoon suite? Perhaps even making love to her?
Lois didn’t want to think about it, but she couldn’t help it. After all, he had recently spent a weekend with Mayson in a romantic cabin, skiing while she had taken care of a blinded Superman. So who was to say he wasn't seeing Mayson as well? After all, one date that hadn't even happened yet, didn't mean they were going steady. It didn’t mean that he had any obligation toward Lois.
Perhaps Clark was just another jerk, only a bit better at disguising himself than the others had been. Once again, Lois squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't want him to be another jerk. She wanted him to be this incredible guy, she'd come to respect and lo-
No, she wouldn't go down that path. Clark had left her hanging the other night. She was furious with him. Furious was far better than worried.
Lois gritted her teeth and booted up her computer, desperately trying to focus on her work and what she was going to do about her new-found information. When Clark had failed to return from the precinct after two hours, she had gone there herself. She’d asked around if any of the police officers had seen Clark. But she’d arrived just after the new shift had started, so neither of the men knew. They could only tell her what she wanted to know about Bender's abduction. As it turned out, the owner of the van had loaned his car to an ex-con named Ramin Tarbush. Later, she had met Bobby Bigmouth to find out if he knew anything about the thug.
Though Bobby had been her source years before Clark had even set foot in Metropolis, it hadn’t been the same meeting him. She’d missed someone to share glances with, someone who would see her roll her eyes when Bobby ate stupefying amounts of food. And for some reason Lois couldn’t fathom, Bobby seemed more forthcoming sharing information when Clark was around.
She had learned that she was likely to find Tarbush in the homeless shelter on Union Street. But by the time she’d had that information, it had been far too late to go looking for Tarbush. When Lois had returned to the Planet, Clark was still absent, and according to Perry, he hadn’t been in at all. Lois had tried calling his apartment but had only reached his answering machine. She’d been angry with him then.
Now she was furious - and admittedly, also a tiny bit worried.
Her gaze drifted over the newsroom that was becoming busier. Another elevator arrived, spitting out more coworkers. Lois' heart rate spiked in anticipation. There was Rogers, and next to him Ralph, who was trying to engage the other man in a conversation he clearly wasn't interested in.
The last person stepped out and still Clark wasn't in.
Lois' gaze drifted toward the clock. It was past eight.
He should have arrived by now. She contemplated trying to call him again. Perhaps he’d overslept after he’d snuck out of Mayson’s bedroom the other night. Her lips curled in contempt at his faithlessness.
*Stop it right there,* she chastised herself. *You're not being fair. He's never given you reason to doubt him, not like that anyway.*
Clark had asked
her out.
Once again, the enormity of this most recent development in their not quite defined relationship struck her with full force.
Lois turned her gaze back toward her desk, lest anyone caught her daydreaming on her job. For a moment she tried to read what was on her screen, but her eyes couldn't focus.
If she was honest, a part of her was relieved that Clark wasn’t already sitting in the newsroom waiting for her. An instant sense of guilt washed over her as she took the time to analyze that feeling. She took a deep calming breath. He was her best friend. A date with him wouldn’t spell the end of the world, she reminded herself.
Clark didn’t deserve the treatment she gave him. It was a miracle that he hadn’t already turned his back on her after all those constant ups and downs of their – whatever it was they had. Unlike any of the other men in her life Clark stubbornly stuck around, for the most part anyway. No matter how much they fought, no matter what she did to him, he always came back to be her solid rock amid a raging sea.
And what did she do? She let him get close only to brush him off a moment later. She clung to him in her moments of need, but when he asked something of her – something as simple as going out on a date - she was ready to run a mile in the other direction.
It didn’t help that he seemed to have commitment issues of his own and was nowhere to be found whenever she felt like pouring her heart out. But was that surprising if she was being so complicated?
Lois straightened to stand and get herself some coffee. She needed to get her mind off the woes of her love life if she was planning on making a story out of this whole Bender-Tarbush disaster. For all she knew, it might not even be newsworthy. No, scratch that - a bunch of people turning up who all had a connection to Luthor was definitely newsworthy. Particularly since one of them had been abducted. She just didn’t know the hows and whys.
But if she managed to break the story, perhaps everything else would fall into place too.
As she made her way toward the coffee machine, she passed the set of TV screens.
“...fire in the Southside. But it seems that Superman just arrived at the scene and has now begun to help the firefighters.”
For a moment, Lois watched the caped hero in amazement, as he darted in and out of the building, carrying people outside. But then it dawned on her that she just witnessed a story unfolding that she’d better be chasing.
From the corner of her eye, she spotted Perry stepping out of his office.
“There’s a fire in the Southside,” she announced. “I’m going down there to see if I can get some statements.”
Perry shook his head. “Don’t bother, Lois. It’s fine. Eduardo just called in to inform me that he’s already at the scene.”
“That’s good,” she replied without any conviction.
She really could have used the distraction from both her impending date and her still absent partner.
Perry joined Lois watching the footage of Superman’s latest rescue. He still carried out victims and lifted up water hoses to drown out the fire. Whenever he stopped to talk to the firefighters, there were some tense lines around his eyes. Lois felt her heart go out to him. Was this an especially tough rescue? Or was he just tired after what might have been a night full of disasters?
With a start she realized that she’d been so preoccupied with Clark and the date she didn’t really know how to handle, that she hadn’t yet checked what had happened during her sleeping hours.
Perry, who had obviously seen her tense up, looked at her. There was a twinkle in his eyes. “You wouldn’t be the first reporter to get scooped by someone else. And as long as that someone works for the Planet, there's no harm done.” He cast a quick glance over the newsroom. “By the way, where is that partner of yours? Already out chasing some leads?”
Lois stiffened, her mind trying to come up with some excuse. She didn’t even know why. On the one hand, she didn’t want Clark to get into trouble with Perry. But on the other hand, she wasn’t willing to cover for him if he didn’t even have the guts to tell her why he needed her to do that.
The hairs in the back of her neck once again stood on end as Perry looked at her expectantly. The remnants of her nightmare were creeping up on her. It wasn’t normal that Clark was missing like that and hadn’t even stuck his head in the office before he’d darted off to return some video or meet his dentist the fifth time a week, or was it?
“I…uh, I guess so,” Lois muttered. “I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”
Perry gave her a tight nod. “Well, tell him, he’d better bring in a good story. Did you find anything about this guy who took Bender?”
Lois shrugged. “I have an idea where to look for him, but that’s pretty much all we got.”
Perry pursed his lips. "You think there's a story there?"
"Honestly?" Lois heaved a sigh. "I don't know, Perry. My instinct tells me that anything related to Luthor might be a story. But the man is dead, so what could it possibly be?"
He gave a non-committal grunt that told Lois that while he wasn't yet planning on killing the story, he would need far more than a gut feeling to let her continue the investigation for long.
Lois had one last look at the TV screen where Superman was still busy trying to get the fire under control. Then she returned to her chair.
Her thoughts drifted back to Clark. Her stomach tightened into a new knot. After he'd asked her out yesterday morning, he'd waited for her answer all day. On a conscious level she knew that there really was no reason to be afraid of a date with Clark. He’d be the perfect gentleman. Unlike Claude or Paul, he wouldn’t assume that a date automatically implied she was willing to share her bed with him afterwards. And she knew that he’d been honest when he’d said that they could still be friends if their date blew.
Even so, she was apprehensive about their next meeting. While she didn’t regret agreeing to go out with him, she was afraid of what would happen to their friendship. Truth be told, there was a tug of war between her emotions.
On the one hand, she felt an excited flutter in her belly that Clark was interested in her that way. Lately her thoughts had more and more revolved around the depth of their relationship. She remembered all those little moments that she had hugged and embraced him. And each time she was close to him, she felt that tingle inside her belly. When she inhaled the soft scent of his aftershave, there was this urge to kiss his cheek. Not only that, but his lips as well. She remembered too clearly how they had felt on hers when he had kissed her in a ruse. What would it be like if he didn’t hold back?
Her desire for him was steadily growing stronger, threatening to become overwhelming. And whenever she felt his arms around her, his hands on her body in even the most modest of ways, she couldn’t help but wish that those moments would last longer than they did. She wished this touch wouldn’t be quite as platonic, that it’d be a lover’s touch instead of a friend’s.
On the other hand, she was scared of those feelings. What if she was wrong once again? If Clark wasn’t the great guy she thought he was? What if his frequent running away was just a sign that something was off? Perhaps she would be well advised to take that as a hint after she had so tremendously failed to judge Lex’ character… and Claude’s… and Paul’s.
But Clark was different, her heart insisted.
*Oh, yeah?* her mind warned her. *And why did he leave you yesterday and abandon the whole investigation to chase some tickets for a concert and whatever else had been so urgent that he hadn’t cared to return?*
His empty desk drew her eyes like a magnet, then the elevator forced her attention toward it. The light above indicated that another car would arrive at the newsroom soon. With a nervous flutter in her stomach, Lois watched the light and held her breath as the car arrived.
The tension evaporated as once again there was no sign of Clark.
She rubbed her temple and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was losing it, without a doubt. She’d never before stared at the elevator like a teenage girl sitting by the telephone, hoping that her boyfriend would call. And Clark wasn’t even her boyfriend.
Moreover, did it really matter that he'd vanished without explanation? What meant one moment of being unreliable for the bigger picture that was Clark Kent? She could trust him, couldn’t she?
Lois cringed inwardly. She wasn’t being fair to him, again. Clark had never stood her up like that before, and if he did it now, she should give him the benefit of the doubt. He surely had a valid reason. And if she was completely honest with herself, she wasn’t so much concerned that Clark would be unable to go back to being friends. She was afraid that if she let him in, she’d somehow ruin what he had to offer her. And if she did, how was she going to survive the heartbreak?
Lois’ throat tightened and she felt tears prick in her eyes. She hastily swallowed down the lump in her throat and clenched her hands into fists, trying to tighten the grip on herself. She wasn’t going to turn into a sniveling mess right in the middle of the newsroom where everyone could witness her falling apart. It had been humiliating enough when she’d lost her composure after the Claude disaster. It wasn’t going to happen again.
She forced her straying thoughts on the task at hand and started with checking first her inbox and then her calendar. Occupying herself with these mundane tasks of her work did wonders for her frayed nerves. Lois felt herself relax as she typed away at her computer, editing a story that was supposed to make the evening edition and replying to some e-mails.
She was interrupted by her ringing phone. Her heart fluttered again. Was that Clark calling to finally tell her where he was?
The phone rang a second time before she picked up. “Lois Lane, Daily Planet.”
“Hey, Lane.” The man's voice was hushed, yet she recognized Josh, one of her police contacts. “Thought you’d want to know that someone just found a body floating in Hobbs River. They’re pulling it out of the water as we speak. It’s not far from you. Just at the end of 5th Avenue.”
Josh hung up and Lois only heard the dial tone. Suddenly, her heart was in her throat. Her eyes darted back toward Clark's still empty desk and did a quick survey of the newsroom. He wasn't here - and there was a dead body floating in Hobbs Bay. Her nightmare was back.
The sense of uneasiness that had been creeping up on her for some time now flooded her with a vengeance.
Lois’ breath caught as she remembered a certain, horrible night in a seedy casino.
The muzzle of the gun exploded in a ball of fire. Once, twice, a third time.Lois squeezed her eyes shut, her pulse suddenly racing with the onslaught of that memory.
The shots rang in her ears. She clenched her hands into tight fists, desperately trying to push those awful pictures away. But she was helpless against them.
Clark collapsed into a lifeless heap on the floor. His expression had gone completely slack...Lois' breath came in panting gasps as if she'd run for miles. Her heart was pounding heavily in her chest. With a start, she realized the receiver had fallen from her fingers. Her hand was shaking as she placed it back onto the hook.
She took in large gulps of air, attempting to get her emotions back under control.
She was being ridiculous.
There was no reason to believe anything had happened to Clark. The body in Hobb’s Bay certainly belonged to some hapless thug who’d tried to cross Intergang. Why would it be Clark? He wasn’t even all that reckless, not compared to her anyway.
Still, she couldn’t stand to remain sitting another moment. Her racing heart propelled her forward, made her jump to her feet. She almost toppled over her chair as she pushed it back and reached for her coat. She needed to get out there. She needed to see for herself that the guy floating in Hobbs Bay wasn’t Clark.
Comments
