TOCChapter 9:He was plummeting into a deep, dark abyss. Contemplating the possibility that Lois wasn't going to help him, that she wouldn't be able to trust him, was one thing. Hearing her say it was something else entirely.
Clark‘s feet were heavy beyond the weariness weighing him down. Dragging himself away from her was probably the hardest thing he'd ever done. He knew that leaving was the only reasonable thing left for him to do. Still, it hurt worse than kryptonite ever could. His heart clenched in pain and he realized that he couldn't do it without saying goodbye.
His throat was tight as he turned around to look at her. He couldn't breathe.
"Please be careful," he whispered. "I love you. Always have and always will."
He let his gaze drift across her one last time, trying to commit everything to memory. Her lovely features were still creased by a deep frown. He imagined a smile on her face, wishing that he could at least kiss her goodbye. Over the past few years there had been a few times when he'd thought that he'd have to leave Metropolis, like he'd had to leave any other place. Never before had he felt so close to being at home. He'd been so close to dating her, so close to moving their relationship past mere friendship. That made leaving so much more heartbreaking.
He felt as if something inside him was dying. Tears stung in his eyes and Clark forced himself to turn around again and walk away. He blinked, trying to keep the tears at bay, because giving into his despair seemed like confirming that there was no hope left. He wasn't yet ready for that. Not quite, maybe not ever.
The next few steps were the most difficult he'd ever had to take. His feet would hardly move, as if they were glued to the ground. He knew that it would probably get easier with time. Maybe a few months from now he'd be able to accept that he was once again a loner, although he wasn't sure he was ever going to get over her. So many times, Lois had been his advisor, often without even knowing what she'd done for him. And right now he probably needed her help the most. He'd always liked to imagine that things between them might get easier once he revealed his secret.
Never had he considered that he'd tell her in a moment of farewell with the sole purpose of warning her of the danger his powers posed. He’d never been so painfully aware of the fact how dangerous he could in fact become. This time, he couldn't protect her, not from himself.
His throat was so tight, he felt like he might never take another breath.
"Wait." Her voice was soft.
His breath caught and his pulse quickened. A strong surge of relief rushed through him, mixed with the fear that he might just be hallucinating, that his mind was playing tricks on him. He tried to suppress that kind of unsolicited hope.
"Don't go."
Clark heard quick footsteps behind him and felt the gentle pull of Lois' hand on his shoulder. His heart was pounding in his chest as he turned to face her.
Even in the near complete darkness he could see that her lower lip was quivering slightly.
"Come back into the light," she said tightly.
Her fingers ran down his arm, taking his hand in hers. Clark felt the usual spark of electricity between their fingers, persisting even though his mind and body were no longer one. He wondered if she felt it too, because for a moment, her gaze drifted down to where their fingers were entwined. Her eyes had widened slightly. She seemed surprised, but it was hard to tell if that was because she shared his experience of connection or because she was still talking to him.
She pulled him with her, almost going faster than he could follow. Breathing heavily, Clark stumbled after her, afraid that he'd lose his footing and terrified that once she looked at him in the shine of the headlights, this unlikely chance would crumble to dust.
When they had moved back into the light, Lois reached out to take off his glasses, staring into his eyes as if she wanted to look right into his soul. The moment stretched into an eternity as he lost himself in her dark pools, hoping against hope.
A choked sob escaped her throat and she covered her mouth with her hand.
"Clark? It's really you, isn't it?"
He sucked in a sharp breath. "Yes, Lois, it's really me." Again, he felt like he was falling. Was it true? His voice cracked as he whispered, "You believe me?"
He couldn't quite see her expression because she hung her head. "I'm not sure. But what you just told me - it's the only way this whole day makes any sense." Her voice took on a bitter tone. "I can't believe I never noticed that Clark is… that you're Superman."
He was dying to know how she felt about his revelation, if she was hurt or angry. Probably both, if he was completely honest with himself. But he suspected that Lois would need time to sort her feelings before she could truthfully answer that question.
"I'm sorry, Lois," he said thickly. "About so many things. I should have told you earlier. Though you might find that hard to believe at the moment, it was never about trust. I just didn't know how to tell you. And I was afraid." He swallowed hard. "You have every right to be mad at me."
She rubbed her face. "I don't know if I'm mad. Honestly, I'm not sure if I know anything right now. This is all so confusing. Can we… can we please get to that later?"
He wanted to assure her that he understood, but a sudden dizzy spell hit Clark, turning his legs to rubber. They gave out under him and he fell. A sharp pain shot through his legs as his knees hit the ground. Lois caught him before he would have landed with his face in the dirt.
"Clark!" she cried out. "What's going on with you?"
He grunted, the world still spinning around him like crazy. It took a moment until the dizziness passed and he could see Lois more clearly. Cold sweat covered his forehead. Chills were running through his body in the cool night air. He gasped for breath, terrified that he’d soon be suffering another attack like the one he’d had in the abandoned subway tunnel.
"Clark?" Lois asked, panicked. "Say something! Are you all right?"
He moaned softly and put a hand to his throbbing temple. "I've been better."
"We need to get you to a doctor!" He felt Lois pull at his arm, urging him to get up.
Clark struggled against her grip. "I can't go to a doctor. I look like Metropolis' most wanted criminal. If anyone finds me, I'm in jail faster than you can say ‘misunderstanding.’ We need to find a way for me to get my own body back. Luthor needs to be stopped before he can really wreak havoc with Superman's powers. That's all that matters right now."
He managed to sound braver than he felt. All he really wanted to do was curl up into a tight ball and have someone take the responsibility off his shoulders. He wanted to rest, but knew that he couldn’t. Not while Luthor was still on the loose.
Lois looked at him worriedly. "But you're sick."
He let out a short laugh. "I guess that's to be expected. This body fell from Lex Tower, was stolen and somehow revived. It's not at all surprising that Luthor's body is sick. I'm guessing that's why he needed a new one."
Slowly, Clark managed to get back to his feet. He steadied himself against the hood of Lois' car, taking a couple of deep breaths. His arms were trembling with the chills that were still racking his body. As he looked up, he saw that Lois' gaze was still firmly trained on him. At least it didn't convey the same level of contempt he'd seen there earlier.
"You should sit down before you fall down," she said gruffly. "Come on, let's get you to the passenger seat. You look cold."
She took his arm and helped him around the car. Clark wanted to protest, but he still felt shaky and off-kilter. His limbs were trembling and he was indeed freezing.
Lois opened the passenger door and Clark climbed inside, letting out a relieved sigh once he was finally sitting. His weak limbs wouldn't have carried his weight much longer. He leaned his head against the backrest and closed his eyes for a moment, willing the intense fatigue to subside. And indeed, after a few moments, he noticed he was gradually improving. The next attack wasn't going to happen after all, at least not right now.
He heard Lois climb onto the driver seat. "Clark, are you sure you don't want a doctor?"
"I'm mostly just tired," Clark replied, truthfully. "Some rest should help me to feel better. Guess I've overexerted myself by walking so much. I didn't dare stay on the subway train for long. Couldn't risk being recognized."
He looked at Lois who still eyed him with a mix of curiosity and worry. "What happened yesterday?"
Clark took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "I was called to a pile up on a bridge. Once I had cleared that up I headed for the precinct. When I stepped out, I ran into Luthor. He was disguised and sitting in a wheelchair. I didn’t realize it was him. He asked me to help him across the street. We talked for a bit and then shook hands. I remember being dizzy, then I felt a prick in the back of my neck. I guess someone must have injected me with something, because I went out like a light."
Lois frowned. "But how? Aren't you invulnerable? Did he have kryptonite?"
Clark gave her a shrug. "I don't think so. Kryptonite… feels different. I can only guess that we'd already switched bodies by then. I woke up feeling terrible, weak, nauseous. I had no idea what had happened to me. I was sure that it hadn’t been kryptonite, but aside from that…”
He felt Lois take his hand and run her thumb over its back. It was so comforting that some of the tension seeped out of him. There was no doubt that he was still in deep trouble, but with Lois by his side, it seemed easier to bear. He desperately wanted to give her hand a soft squeeze. But he was painfully aware that he was still walking on dangerous ground with her. Most likely he would continue to do so for the foreseeable future, assuming he could ever truly regain her trust. The thought was like a dagger to his heart.
But that, too, wasn't of any significance right now. His feelings for her had to take a backseat to more important matters. Much as he would like to wallow in self-pity, it wasn't the time for that.
Clark forced himself to continue. “Suddenly I got worse. I couldn't breathe. Then Gretchen Kelly came. I suppose she gave me another injection, at least that was what it felt like. I was barely conscious, so I’m not sure.” He looked up and saw that Lois’ eyes had widened. He gave her a small, and what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “A few hours later I started feeling stronger. I thought my powers were coming back and I managed to escape. I didn't realize I was in Luthor's body until I was back home and had a look into the mirror."
Clark stared at his hands. He still vividly remembered his relief as he'd closed his apartment door behind him, thinking that he'd been lucky to escape so quickly. After all, he hadn't wanted a repeat of the last time Luthor had held him prisoner.
Though part of his powers had returned, he'd been aching and covered in dirt and cold sweat. So the first thing on his mind had been a nice hot shower. His first stop had been the sink, where he'd washed his face with cold water to chase away the fogginess in his mind. To help himself think about how he was going to deal with the changes Luthor had inflicted on him while he'd somehow been vulnerable. Then he’d seen the face in the mirror.
Lois pulled him back when she softly asked "Clark, what's wrong? You're so quiet."
He looked at her. "I was just thinking. I'd been so relieved that I had escaped Luthor." He let out a mirthless laugh. "Little did I know. I’d had some of my powers back, so how had I been supposed to guess that I wouldn’t be me?"
The terror that had invaded him when he'd looked into the mirror was still so fresh in his mind, was still holding his heart in a vice. A shiver ran down his spine as Clark remembered looking into the face of his arch enemy, the same man who'd wanted to hurt Lois and had almost killed him.
And that face had had eyes as wide and as terrified as he'd felt, mouth hanging open in an expression that was so unlike the overconfident Lex Luthor. Still there was no denying the fact that Luthor's face was staring back at him, mirroring every slight motion of his facial muscles.
Clark clenched and unclenched his hands, trying to get his emotions back under control. Not that it was necessary, he realized. His lips twitched in a wry smile. There were no powers left that could possibly get out of hand. Someone else possessed them now, the very same person who'd proven time and time again that he couldn't be trusted with his influential powers. How much worse would that man be corrupted by Superman's powers? His heart clenched in despair.
“You had powers?” Clark flinched, startled by Lois' voice. “How is that even possible? I mean, this is Luthor’s body!”
“I don’t know.” He heaved a sigh. “I just don’t know.” He bit his lip and looked away, swallowed up by a deep sense of helplessness.
“Are you okay?” Lois asked quietly.
"I'm worried about what Luthor will do. He almost hurt you. What will happen when he loses control over these powers?"
"So far he seems to manage," Lois replied. "Assuming it was him and not you at the fire this morning."
Clark let out a breath. "Oh, it was him all right. So he saved people?" That was a relief.
"Yeah, though there have been rumors that he's usually a lot better at it." Lois rubbed her eyes. "He was quite furious about it. I should have realized something was off, then. You - he was acting so strangely."
"You couldn't possibly have drawn the connection. That's my fault and I'm so, so sorry about it." Clark muttered. "Anything else he did as Superman?"
"Nothing I heard about."
"I guess that means he's decided to play the part of the superhero for now. I'm worried about what he will be able to do once he's learned how to use the powers to their full extent."
Lois gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "We will stop him."
Clark shook his head. "How do you stop Superman?"
"But we already did," Lois pointed out. "Unless you faked your reaction to my kick?"
"Faked?" Clark snorted. "No, that was definitely not faked. I could barely move. It was an…enlightening experience. Not one, I'd like to repeat, though."
Lois chewed on her lower lip and lowered her gaze. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
"It's okay. I'm glad you did it, before he'd had any chance to hurt you."
"But I guess you took the brunt of it," Lois said guiltily.
He took her hand. "It's okay, it really is. You did what you had to do. And though I might have felt the worst of it, it's kind of satisfying to know that he got his share of pain, too."
"But how?" Lois mused. "I mean, you told me you're Superman. Aren't you invulnerable? How is it even possible that I hurt you?"
Clark shrugged. "I can only guess. I…uh…I was pretty…um…aroused, when you kicked me." He blushed furiously. "Perhaps my… uh…my aura retreated to…" He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
He was too ashamed of himself.
Lois stared at him curiously. "Has this happened before?"
"I wouldn't know," Clark mumbled. "I don't usually go around giving women a reason to kick me in the groin."
He felt incredibly uncomfortable. Dirty, because his body had been used to violate her. And though, consciously, he knew that he couldn’t have helped it, that he hadn’t been the perpetrator, he still felt guilty as hell. After all, it had been his hands tearing down her dress, stripping her half-naked. He should have noticed her distress sooner, shouldn’t have reveled in a kiss she hadn’t wanted.
"I didn't think you would." Lois chuckled lightly.
It should soothe him that she found the mere thought of him attacking a woman like that funny. And in a way, it did give him some peace of mind. Maybe she truly didn’t hold him responsible. But would she ever be able to look at him the same way? Would he be able to look in the mirror and forgive himself, when his face looked like his own again?
Lois cleared her throat and took his hand in hers. "What I meant was, did something like this happen before when you made love to a woman? That shifting of your aura?"
He felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment. His voice was so hoarse, it was barely a whisper. "I haven't made love - yet."
Though he couldn’t quite look at her, he felt her gaze on him. And in the split second he dared to look up, he saw her staring at him open-mouthed.
"You haven't? As in never?"
Clark closed his eyes. When he’d mentally braced himself for meeting Lois, for telling her about his secret and what Luthor had done to him, he’d expected some soul-baring. But not like this. All the things that set him apart from other people came crashing down on him. He'd envied his peers the ease with which they had flirted and stolen away for heated kisses and sometimes even more than that. Not because he'd been so desperate to indulge in intimacy himself, but because he couldn't take for granted that it was going to happen, ever.
He'd witnessed more of those activities than he'd wanted to, his powers forcing glimpses on him that he'd never asked for. Never had he felt more alienated than when he'd heard and seen those moments of shared pleasure, knowing that he'd have to find someone who was ready to accept who and what he was. That hadn't seemed likely. But meeting Lois had given him a sliver of hope.
Of course, he’d been vaguely aware that if he and Lois ever did get to the point where she was ready to become intimate with him, he’d have to reveal his lack of knowledge in that department. But the way things were now, intimacy was probably the last thing she’d ever want of him. And that thought made him both sad and irritable.
Quite against his will, he felt a surge of anger wash over him. Why did she have to ask that now? Why did she have to talk about intimacy now when he was just trying to process what had happened between them? Luthor might well have destroyed his once chance at happiness.
His words came out harsher than he would have liked. "I told you I'm not your typical male."
She looked flustered. “But…”
"It just never felt right, okay?" He brushed her off. "Do we absolutely have to discuss my love life right now?"
Clark regretted his outburst the moment the words had left his mouth. The last thing he wanted was to upset Lois any more than he already had. She didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. After all, she was here. Despite everything that had happened tonight, she’d followed his plea to find him. He had no right to lash out at her.
