TOCChapter 10:"It just never felt right, okay?" he said tightly. His hands were balled into fists, his knuckles turning white. "Do we absolutely have to discuss my love life right now?"
Lois flinched, startled by his reaction. His lips had become a small line and he was averting her gaze. But she’d caught a glimpse of the pain in his eyes. Lois only remembered one incident - two in hindsight - when he'd shown his emotions this raw. The first time was when she'd rejected Clark and then afterwards when she'd told Superman that she'd love him just the same if he were an ordinary man.
Now, again, his shoulders were slumped, his expression exuding despair. Lois didn't really need to ask why he'd hesitated to share himself in that way. It was because of his differences. And though, right now, he was sitting beside her in a very human body, one that was sick and frail, she could still sense how alienated he felt. Maybe even more so because he wasn't himself.
Her breath caught as she realized that she'd overstepped a major line. She’d never wanted to make him uncomfortable; she’d never intended to hurt him.
Clark's gaze drifted back to her. He wasn't quite looking at her, but Lois could see that the anguish had vanished. In its stead, an apologetic smile played around his lips and he was kneading his hands.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "That was uncalled for. I'm just so - out of sorts." He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat before his eyes met hers. "That's no excuse, of course."
"Actually it is." Lois reached for his hand, half expecting that he'd withdraw it. "I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in your position, but I'm pretty sure I'd lash out, too."
Her hand hovered above his a moment longer before she worked up her courage. Her heart was beating in her throat. She was nervous, but strangely, not in the same way she'd been on edge all morning. It was different now, more comfortable, exciting rather than scary. When he let her touch him, Lois let out a breath she hadn’t realized she'd been holding.
The spark sizzling between their hands startled them both. Clark's eyes widened before the warm gleam she loved so much about his eyes returned to them. How was it even possible that she found Clark's gleam in Lex' eyes?
His gaze drifted up and down between her face and the spot where her thumb rested on the back of his hand. Heat was radiating through her, emanating from the spot where their hands were entwined. And there was no doubt in Lois that Clark felt it too.
A surge of guilt accompanied this sudden sense of belonging. She owed him more than just comfort.
"I should apologize too." Lois swallowed past the lump that was suddenly forming in her throat and bit her lip. "I shouldn't have asked. You're right, I have no right to invade your privacy like that. I guess my curiosity got the better of me. It's just-" Her voice broke and she had to swallow again. "Knowing that you're Superman…"
The bright gleam in his eyes clouded over, dimming ever so slightly. "I understand.”
His lips were still smiling at her, but there was something forced about it. She could see his jaw working. He withdrew his hand from hers and used it to pinch the bridge of his nose. A sigh escaped his lips.
"Clark…" She covered her mouth with her hands as it dawned on her that she’d just done again what she’d never meant to do. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. You know it never mattered to me - I mean that you’re different."
Good grief, could she put her foot any deeper into her mouth than she already had? Wasn’t it bad enough that she’d boldly proclaimed her undying love for the disguise of a man she’d rejected that same day. In hindsight, her behavior had been incredibly cruel. And now she was adding insult to injury, treating him like some sort of curiosity.
“It’s okay.” The smile crept back onto his lips and he relaxed somewhat. "I guess I shouldn't be so touchy about the subject. It's only natural that you're curious about me. Even more so after what almost happened in your apartment."
He took off his cap and ran a weary hand over his head before he looked at her again. The sadness in his eyes almost took her breath away, so intense that it washed over her as well.
"I hate what Luthor did to you," he said. "I wish I could have stopped him, that I'd been back in my own body before he…" He took deep breaths, once more clenching his hands into tight fists. "Being with me was never supposed to make you uncomfortable. You don't know how much it means to me that you never made me feel like the oddball, neither as Clark nor as Superman. You've always given me that sense of normalcy I’d been craving my whole life.” A blush tinted his cheeks. “Maybe that is the reason I wasn’t ready to tell you my secret tonight."
There was a flicker of uncertainty in his otherwise sincere gaze. Different emotions swirled through her mind, mixing in odd combinations. Lois still felt his sadness. There was also guilt, resulting from the way she’d just treated him and the fact that he had it in him to just let go of that sort of transgression. Love and an incredible - in a way also unsettling - sense of security played a part. And last but not least, there was also anger.
Lois wrapped her arms around herself. She still didn’t know how she was supposed to feel about that revelation. On the one hand she was glad that the explanation for Clark’s frequent disappearing acts wasn’t her being too intense. Not to mention it was a huge relief she wouldn’t have to choose between her feelings for Clark and Superman. On the other hand she felt betrayed. She’d believed that she could trust Clark - that he was one of the two honest men she’d encountered in her life. Well, the truth was that these two honest men were one man who’d been lying to her from the moment he’d met her.
A tidal wave of anger coursed through her.
She frowned, her voice taking on a bitter tone. "So you did want to tell me eventually?"
“Of course I did,” he said solemnly. “I was just waiting for the right time. This isn’t an easy secret, and knowing who I am comes with a price. That kind of knowledge puts you at risk. I had to be sure that you’d want to be in for the long term. But the way things are now - with Luthor stealing my body - I could no longer keep my secret from you.”
The crest of that anger wave slammed into her. “And you didn’t think that when I’d seen you dying in my arms might have been a good time to tell me? I’ve been having nightmares ever since.”
“I’m sorry, Lois.” He stared at his hands. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you in any way whatsoever. Frankly, I think I lost my head when these bullets hit my chest while I was dressed as Clark. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
She could tell that he wasn’t just making up excuses. His emotions were so close to the surface that Lois could feel them almost as strongly as if they were hers. His expression was so full of sorrow and remorse that her anger melted away.
Her voice was thick with emotion. “I guess we both had our low points when neither of us was acting sensible.”
As Clark looked up at her, she could see the surprise in his gaze, surprise and just a hint of hope. She laid a hand on his left shoulder, giving him what should have been a comforting squeeze.
He flinched at her touch and let out a hiss of pain, withdrawing his arm from her grip as best as he could. “Ow, don’t touch,” he moaned.
Startled, Lois took in the new lines of pain around his eyes. “What is it?”
He turned to her, holding his arm and looking very sheepish, all of a sudden. “Nothing much. It’s just a scratch.”
She narrowed her gaze on him. “It’s not just a scratch if it hurts like that.”
He shook his head. “It’s not that bad. Luthor tried to shoot me but the bullet just grazed my arm. I promise you, I’ll live” he said dismissively. “Guess I’m just not used to all those aches and pains.”
Lois’ heart was beating in her throat. Luthor had tried to shoot Clark? “What happened after you returned to your apartment?”
Clark hung his head. “Well, after I had recovered from my initial shock, I realized soon that I couldn’t stay at my place. I had to find Luthor and figure out what he’d done to me. I still had a few things I had used to disguise myself for one of our investigations. So I applied a fake beard, dressed in these clothes and took my last pair of spare glasses. I had almost left the apartment, when Luthor found me. He shot at me and one of those bullets nicked my arm. I managed to escape by jumping from my balcony. Fortunately, there’s a trash container in the alley behind my apartment. That softened my fall.”
“Didn’t he try to follow you?” Lois asked.
“I don’t think he was fully aware of my powers then - or if he was - could use them at will,” Clark replied with a shrug. “Why else would he have used a pistol? With my powers he could have done me in far more effectively. I’m not sure what he can do now, but we need to stop him.”
He rubbed his eyes and once more looked at her. And with a start, Lois realized that the man sitting beside her still looked like Lex Luthor. While they’d been talking, Luthor’s face had somehow blurred into Clark’s. She’d almost forgotten that he wasn’t her partner, at least not on the outside. But what if he wasn’t Clark on the inside, either?
What if Luthor was playing mind games? Would he involve her in an elaborate scheme to kill Superman? Would she end up being the accomplice in the murder of the man she loved? That thought made her throat tighten and her heart stutter.
Once again, she glanced at the man sitting beside her. She'd felt so comfortable around him. The spark between their fingers as she'd touched his hand - there had never been anything even remotely as magical with Luthor. And yet, she was staring in his eyes, while the man who looked like Clark had been as cold and cruel as she knew Luthor was without the veneer of carefully cultivated behavior.
Every instinct told her that what the man before her said was true. He was Clark, even though he looked like the monster she'd almost married. Her heart was telling her that she could trust him. But her heart had never been a good advisor.
"And how do you suggest we stop him?" she asked, somewhat warier this time.
He hung his head. "I don't know. First, we have to find out how he managed to take over my body and what he is planning to do with it. Any luck with our lead on Bender or the man who abducted him? His name is Ramin Tarbush."
Lois couldn't help but roll her eyes at that. "Tell me something I don't know. I went to the precinct when you didn't return."
"Of course you did," he smiled fondly.
For some reason she'd expected him to be mad, because she hadn't waited for his return. But he really only ever got mad when she put herself in danger. Now, it seemed, he admired her independence. It was so odd to see Luthor be in awe of her stubborn streak. She doubted the real man would have shared the sentiment.
Clark's expression turned self-conscious. "I'm guessing you were pretty mad at me when I didn't come back."
Lois pursed her lips. "That I was. First you ask me out and then…"
A wistful look flashed across his face. "I wish I'd been more alert. I was really looking forward to that date."
Clark's gaze rested on her, so warm and loving. She felt like she was going to drown in those dark pools, that were both his and not his at the same time. Had she always felt this sort of connection with him? In Luthor's body, no less? Or did she still have feelings for the man she'd once agreed to marry? The same man who'd ignored her protests?
No, that couldn't be it!
She'd always chosen the worst moments to become aware of her feelings for Clark. Like when she was about to marry someone else. Like when she thought he was dead. Like now. Why did she push those feelings to the back of her mind when he was attainable? How could she have wasted a whole day trying to decide whether she wanted to date him? How could she have wasted so many months since he'd declared his love for her in Centennial Park?
It was too confusing and too painful to think about. She wouldn't analyze her behavior right now. Clark had asked her a question he needed to know the answer to. Everything else would have to wait until she was ready to sort her warring emotions.
"They were killed," Lois whispered.
"Who?" Clark looked at her confused. Clearly, he'd also lost track of their initial conversation.
"Bender and Tarbush," she replied. "He killed them. Or ordered one of his goons to do it."
Clark’s eyes widened. His lips curled in disgust and he stared down at his hands, almost as if he expected to find them covered in blood. He bit his lip, his shoulders sagging a bit more.
“I guess he didn’t want to leave too many witnesses,” Clark said quietly. “Maybe Bender found his conscience in the face of a superpowered Lex Luthor. Or maybe he just couldn’t offer him anything he wanted.” His voice had turned bitter, laced with the pain she’d so often heard in Superman’s words when he’d been anguished by all the violence in the world. “We have to stop him, Lois. And we need a good plan. I may have a few ideas how we could keep him occupied, but…" He trailed off.
"Like…" she hesitated, suddenly reluctant to offer him more information. "...the way you suggested in my apartment?"
Hadn’t the man in front of her already proven that he was indeed Clark Kent? Why was she still testing him? She cringed inwardly. But the sliver of doubt remained.
Clark frowned. "You mean the headphones? Not sure that would work again. It's more difficult to control my hearing in a noisy environment. It takes more concentration. Luthor has less experience, but if he managed to control his hearing by now that should have taught him a valuable lesson. I think he’ll be better at keeping his wits about him the next time I'd try something like that. Besides, without the level of pain I was experiencing, controlling myself would have been a lot easier."
Lois relaxed somewhat. He knew what had happened. But her gut was still churning with uncertainty. "So, how do we proceed?"
“I wish I knew.” He leaned his head against the backrest. “I’d like to tell you to stay as far away from him as you possibly can."
"What? You expect me to sit by and just watch while you take on SuperLex? Or Lex Luthor destroys the man I…lo-" She broke off, embarrassed that she'd almost voiced her feelings for Clark under these crazy circumstances. Lois gritted her teeth and let out a breath. “Honestly, I’m still not quite sure I can believe what you're telling me.”
A look of hurt flashed across his face before he schooled his features again and nodded. "I can't blame you,” he said quietly. "For the record, I'm not asking you to sit by and watch. I happen to know that you wouldn't listen anyway. Just…"
He took a deep breath, and the look in his eyes told her more than words ever could how worried he was, how scared. Once again, Lois felt that familiar flutter in her heart, the one that told her she was really talking to Clark. Because Lex had never been scared of anything. He'd been arrogant to the point that Lois was sure that he'd jumped off Lex Tower with a smug smile on his lips, fully convinced that even death couldn't defeat him. And quite obviously, it hadn't.
Clark reached out, his hand hovering above hers for a moment. He refrained from taking it, cringing at the awkwardness between them. Lois' heart clenched in sympathy and her hand tingled slightly. She was yearning for his touch, but at the same time as unable to close the distance as he was. His hand twitched toward hers a couple of times, but ultimately he pulled it back to rest it in his lap.
His voice was rough as he spoke again. "All I'm asking is that you be careful. You’re probably well advised at not taking anything I say at face value, regardless of whether I look like Clark Kent or Lex Luthor. After all, I could as well be the other person.” He rubbed his face. “Can’t say that I know the solution to that problem.”
Lois pursed her lips. “So, I guess, this time, you’re not going to tell me to stay out of trouble?”
Clark gave a weak smile. "I hope you don't need me to tell you that. These powers can be incredibly dangerous. Whatever you do, Lois, don't make him mad."
She laughed cynically. "I've kicked him where it counts, so it's a bit late for that kind of advice, don't you think?"
His tone became urgent. "Tell him you didn't mean to, tell him you're a virgin and he scared you. Put the blame on me, I don't care. I wish I could tell you to just stay away from him. But these powers - if he learns to control them well enough…" Clark swallowed visibly and his voice turned hoarse. "...he could find you anywhere. You can't run and you can't hide."
Clark lowered his gaze, leaving little doubt how uncomfortable that admission made him. She saw his hands trembling slightly. Lois wished she knew what to say. But words just eluded her. She felt her gut tighten as she realized that - if Clark was right - if Lex really was in Superman's body and had his powers, he'd stop at nothing to get her back. She'd told him no at the altar. But considering what lengths he'd gone to to make her accept his proposal, he wouldn't stop now that he was literally unstoppable. Lois shivered.
Next to her, Clark cleared his throat. “One other thing - who’s on the murder cases of Bender and Tarbush?”
“Henderson.” Lois furrowed her brow, not sure why Clark was suddenly asking that.
“That’s good.” He breathed a sigh of relief and stared at his hands, pensive. “Very good.”
He was quiet for a moment, leaving her wondering if he’d truly just wanted to know the investigator’s name. But when he turned to her, there was a look of determination written all over his face.
“You need to tell Henderson what we know, Lois,” Clark said quietly.
Lois gasped, not sure she was hearing him correctly. “You want me to tell him about all of this? That Luthor has stolen Superman’s body, that he’s alive and probably killing people?
Clark shook his head. “He’s never going to believe any of this anyway - I barely believe it and I should know it’s true.” He kneaded his hands. “We need Henderson on our side, Lois. I cannot assume that we’ll manage to bring Luthor down before anything bad happens. Have you told him about St. John, Dr. Kelly and Asabi?”
“That we received evidence of them meeting, yeah,” Lois replied.
Clark nodded slowly. “Just tell Henderson as much as you can without making him think you’ve lost your mind. But if push comes to shove, you may need to tell him everything.”
Lois’ eyes widened. “Including that you’re Superman?”
He bit his lip. “I trust you to make the right decision.” His gaze was resting on her and she felt that he wanted to say so much more.
His eyes were so full of love and affection that it simply took her breath away. How had she never realized that the real Luthor had never looked at her like that? She could have spared herself a lot of heartbreak if she’d taken the time to really look in Clark’s eyes. Perhaps she’d have seen that there had been something there then that Lex Luthor was never going to have despite all his money.
Clark suddenly tensed. "I think he's returning," he whispered, frightened.
Lois stared at him. "Who?" She asked, though she already suspected the answer.
"Luthor’s mind," Clark confirmed glumly. He reached for the handle of the door. "I need to get away from you. It's better if Luthor doesn't know that I've managed to contact you."
"But Clark, you're hardly in any condition-"
"It's safer that way," he muttered. "Get away from me, drive as far as you can. He can't know that you've been with me." He hastily opened the door and swung his legs out of the car.
Lois laid a hand on his left shoulder, mindful of his injury. "How do I find you?"
"I guess I'll find a way to contact you." His eyes held her gaze for a long moment. "Be careful."
His lips moved, as if he wanted to say something else. But then he pressed his lips into a tight line and he seemed to make a conscious effort not to voice his thoughts. His eyes, however, spoke volumes. And she could feel it in her heart, as clearly as if he'd yelled at the top of his voice, just how much he loved her.
Lois' heart skipped a beat. And in the next moment he was outside the car.
"Go," he urged.
He slammed the door shut and turned his back on her. Lois saw him sway and clutch at his head. He shook it as if to clear his thoughts. As he looked at her again she could see moisture glistening in his faintly illuminated eyes. It was bizarre to see Lex Luthor on the verge of crying.
"Go," he yelled, urgent, desperate.
His plea directly translated into motion. Her right arm automatically shifted the gear to drive while her right leg hit the accelerator so hard that the car lurched forward, gravel spitting noisily beneath the tires. Lois was pressed into the seat as she sped away. As she glanced into the rearview mirror, she saw Clark sway again. He stumbled in the opposite direction. Images of his agonized face danced before her mind's eye.
She could almost sense how scared he was. Her own heart was racing. Once again she looked back, seeing him stumble off the road, out of her line of sight.
A turn came ahead and Lois took it, spurred on by his fear that was rubbing off on her. Her thoughts were a confused jumble.
Clark was Lex, Lex was Clark. Or was it all an attempt to get to her, to drive her crazy? Everything she'd just heard was impossible, insane even. She couldn't believe Clark, and yet it was also impossible not to. How else could he have known all those details? But Luthor was a perfect actor. He'd managed to fool not only her but an entire city.
She didn’t know what to think. But perhaps the wisest thing to do now was heed an old piece of advice from Clark. She was an investigative reporter. She should investigate.
To do that, it would be best if she listened to what Clark or Lex or whoever had told her just a few minutes ago. She would stay under the radar of the man who looked like Clark Kent and try to find out if the man who looked like Luthor was really her partner. Her heart told her that he was, but her mind was reluctant to believe it just because he’d said so. Admittedly, he had made a strong point. But there were still so many unanswered questions.
For example, why had Luthor attacked her in the first place? While he’d certainly fooled her about his true character, he’d never overstepped her boundaries like that. So what was going on?
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