TOCChapter 21:“He’s right.” Lois fumed. She stood with her hands on her hips, her breath ragged and anger coursing through her. “He didn’t ask for any of this. It’s not his fault Luthor attacked him and chased him through half Metropolis!”
The two women faced each other like opponents in a western showdown. Clark had passed out again, lying between them, oblivious to their icy glares. Lines of fury creased Lois’ face while Gretchen Kelly wore a mask of indifference and superiority that only fueled Lois’ anger. Her whole body was vibrating with all the tension and despair that was still bottled up inside her ever since she’d seen Clark so close to the brink of death. It was the kind of fear that would haunt her in her nightmares, fear that would never vanish completely.
How could this so-called doctor talk to Clark like that? Lois had seen the pain in his gaze as Kelly had treated him like he was some piece of scum, not worthy of her time unless he helped her get Lex back. Clark had done so much for all the people of Earth, more than she’d ever realized. The memories of all the times she, too, had treated him in a less than respectful way came back to haunt her.
Seething with anger, Lois instinctively assumed a fighting position. “You can’t even begin to understand what he went through, what he's sacrificed to keep people safe.”
She circled Clark, closing in on Kelly as her emotions got the better of her. She wanted to hurt her, wanted to inflict the kind of pain on that woman that she was feeling and that she was so utterly helpless against.
In the back of her mind, Lois could hear Clark’s voice cautioning her, telling her that this wasn’t worth getting into a fight over. Her gaze drifted back to him, briefly wondering if maybe he’d spoken up after all. Tears sprang to her eyes as she saw that he was still out cold, too sick to defend himself. It cut right through her heart and her rage spiked.
A huge lump formed in her throat. “If you hate Superman so much, why help us in the first place?” She clenched and unclenched her fists, her emotions running wild inside of her like a caged animal trying to break out. “What are you trying to accomplish here? Do you think Lex will thank you for helping his enemy? You told me that he wanted to keep Clark’s powers, his body. Why risk Lex’ wrath when you say you love him so much?”
The doctor’s body tensed up with every word that left Lois’ mouth, her aloof expression slowly transforming into one of anger. Her body mimicked Lois’ position until they both stood with each muscle coiled, preparing to jump at each other's throats.
Kelly's reply was carefully controlled. "What does it matter to you?"
There was a strange defiance to her tone. The cracks in her mask of professionalism deepened until Lois could see the hurt in the doctor’s eyes. Suddenly she remembered the deep affection with which Gretchen had watched Clark for a moment before her attitude had changed so drastically and she'd lashed out at him.
“You really love Lex, don't you?" Lois let her hands sink as the anger rushed out of her.
The doctor's eyes flickered, allowing Lois to catch another glimpse of Kelly's true feelings. Her gaze flitted down to Clark, and a tender expression flashed across her face before her jaw tightened and her hands clenched into tight fists. Anguish marred her features before she managed to school them back into that neutral mask.
But Lois had no doubt that she’d seen not only the pain of years of unrequited love, but also a level of admiration and devotion she found hard to understand.
And it must have shown on her face, too, because Kelly's expression hardened again. "You don't know him. You never did." She gave up her fighting stance, then wrapped her arms around herself and started pacing. "You and your awful paper made him out to be a monster. But he's not."
Lois felt her stomach tighten with the memory of all the abominable things she’d learned about Luthor. "He killed people, he-"
Kelly’s laugh was cold and derisive. “What would a spoiled child like you know about it?" She eyed Lois, her lips curled in contempt. "I've known Lex all my life. We grew up together in the hellhole known as Suicide Slum. He was my brother's best friend. When his parents died, he spent more time at our place than in his foster homes. But it wasn't us helping him, quite the opposite.”
Her eyes were gleaming. It was the most passionate Lois had ever seen the reserved doctor. Her whole body seemed to come to life as she spoke about a man Lois found hard to recognize from her descriptions.
And she wasn’t done yet. “With Lex's assistance, my brother managed to sustain our family when my own parents couldn't. Lex saved my brother's life when they got themselves in trouble on the street. Without his help, I couldn’t have afforded college. He even helped me pay for medical school. If it wasn’t for him, I'd still be trapped in Suicide Slum. I owe him everything.”
Kelly’s cheeks had become flushed as she’d talked herself into a frenzy. Her eyes had glazed over, unfocused as she was staring into the distance. The admiration she felt for Lex radiated off her, a teenage crush turned to worship. A shiver ran down Lois’ spine as she watched the doctor who only moments ago had been the aloof professional and was now lost in reverie.
Lois cleared her throat. “It must be hard - loving someone who doesn’t return your feelings.”
Her gaze drifted to Clark who lay between them, unmoving but for the reassuring rise and fall of his chest. But when she looked at his face, she couldn’t help but see Lex again. While she’d been able to talk to Clark, it had been easier to forget about his looks. She’d felt the gentle presence of his soul.
Now that he wasn’t awake to help her, Lois felt lost in the presence of this woman whose view of Lex differed so tremendously from her own.
The terrible mistakes Lois had made came back to haunt her as she looked at the body of the man who’d been the very reason Clark had put his heart on the line and risked her rejection of him. What had she told him all these months ago? She accepted Luthor’s proposal because he’d told her he loved her. Guilt rippled through her as she realized that the man who truly loved her with all his heart was Clark. He’d paid the price then, and he was paying it now.
Lois averted her eyes, no longer wanting to see Lex’ face. It was all so confusing. Love and hate bubbled up inside her all at once.
As Lois looked at Kelly again, her stance had changed. Now the doctor’s jaw was tense, her hands curled into tight fists. She’d regained her air of superiority.
Almost casually, Kelly said. “Lex is eight years older than me, of course he didn’t see me when I was twelve.”
It took Lois a moment to remember what exactly they’d been talking about. But when she took in the slight quivering of her lower lip and how desperate she was to hide her feelings now, Lois realized that the doctor’s indifference was feigned. She was anything but unaffected by the pains of unrequited love.
Gretchen’s body tensed even more with the need to contain her true feelings. “When he married Arianna, I was barely out of medical school. They were so much in love with each other -”
Her voice hitched and she blinked for a moment, as if she was fighting back tears. Then she plastered a smile on her face that was so obviously faked that Lois couldn’t help but feel pity for that woman.
Kelly cleared her throat in a desperate attempt to keep her sadness from tinting her words. “I was happy for them. All I ever wanted was for Lex to be happy. But I guess you can’t understand that. You never loved him.”
Contempt replaced the fake smile. There was a pain in the other woman’s gaze that left little doubt she held Lois personally responsible for Lex’ death. It was disconcerting to see her level of hero worship. Couldn’t she see that whoever Lex might have been in his youth that he’d dramatically changed? That he’d turned into a criminal mastermind who had stopped at nothing to get what he wanted and whose newly acquired superpowers would only turn him more dangerous? How could the doctor, a woman sworn to save lives, ignore that?
Lois wanted to say something, but for the life of her, she didn’t know what. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, but no words would come out. The eyes of the other woman had narrowed on her, the fury in them burning white hot.
“Instead, you destroyed him.” Kelly’s voice was quivering with anger, sadness and tears that she held back with what seemed like a tremendous effort. Her arms were trembling. “He would have done everything for you. He’d have loved and cherished you if you’d just let him. The things he was forced to do to get your attention! And for what?” Her chest was heaving, the anguish flashing in her eyes now raw - reflecting the same shock she must have felt when Lex’ body had hit the pavement.
Lois was unable to breathe as her mind drifted back to that fateful day. She tried to discount Kelly’s words as the fantasies of a mad woman. But there was a sliver of doubt that remained. Could there be some truth to the doctor's words? Had Lex really committed so many crimes because of her? The destruction of the Daily Planet, so many people losing their jobs, all because of her?
The memories of her wedding day were still fresh in her mind. She'd been relieved to say “No” to Lex, exhilarated for the moment it took Perry and Jimmy to inform her about the unspeakable crimes Lex had committed.
She remembered Luthor's flight and fall. She had pressed her face into Clark’s shoulder, unable to watch Luthor’s end. It had been sickening enough to hear the awful thud that had marked his death. The day that should have been the happiest of her life had been shredded to pieces. Too late, she’d realized that her heart really belonged to a man she’d only ever seen as a friend.
Somehow Clark had snuck inside past all her defenses. Automatically she looked at him, but saw Lex again, whose true nature had shocked her to the core. It was so hard to see Clark in that man when he wasn’t awake, when he didn’t smile at her or reassure her with his quiet strength.
Kelly wiped her cheek. The motion startled Lois, who'd almost forgotten about the other woman, too lost in her own thoughts. “Lex was so blind in his infatuation that he didn’t even realize that you were unworthy of his affection. If it hadn't been for you, he'd still be the man he deserves to be. He came from nothing and reached the top all by himself. He wasn't given powers by chance of birth."
She, too, looked down at Clark, but with all the hatred and disgust any person could feel for a rabid skunk. Gone was the affection Lois had spotted there earlier, if only for a moment.
"I'm not helping you for the sake of this pitiful creature who thinks he can play God,” Kelly said tersely, “who lets good men like Lex jump to their death without remorse. I helped Lex to become the man he is supposed to be." She shouldered her bags and turned to leave. "And now I will go looking for that stone. I won’t let Lex by compromised by this - this hideous alien."
Kelly pursed her lips, then with one last look at Clark, a strange mixture of longing and hate reflecting in her gaze, she left the old hospital.
Lois watched her with trepidation. The amount of love and hate this woman was capable of was unsettling. It was a dangerous combination that didn’t bode well for Clark. Lois’ heart clenched with fear as she wondered if maybe she’d made a mistake bringing Kelly to Clark. But when they’d found him, he’d been so pale, the color of his skin gray.
The whole time Kelly had worked on him, her tension had been palpable. Both of them had been terrified to lose Clark, though for different reasons. Even as she remembered the long minutes that had been filled with anxiety, a cold shiver ran down her spine and her heart froze in her chest.
Lois had to take another look at the sleeping man beside her to reassure herself that not all was lost. But he was still in Lex’ body, which meant that somewhere on the other side of the world, Lex was still in Clark’s body.
Kelly was long out of sight when Lois sank down beside Clark. Her heart was still pounding in her chest. She buried her face in her hands as everything came crashing down on her. The things Kelly had said about Clark, the things she'd said about her and Lex - could she really be responsible for Luthor’s crimes? Had he been about to change for her sake, like he’d said he would?
“She's in love with a fantasy."
Clark's hoarse voice pulled her from her dark thoughts. Lois’ head whipped around to where he was still lying on the floor. Relief flooded her as she saw that his color had vastly improved. He slowly pushed himself into a sitting position. There was a smile on his face, so incredibly gorgeous that it could only be his, no matter what the face looked like.
"You're awake," she said past the lump forming in her throat. Tears burned in her eyes. She was helpless against them. "I thought I was going to lose you. How are you?"
He reached out and used his thumb to gently wipe away her tears. "I'm feeling much better."
Lois covered his hand with hers and held it to her cheek. She closed her eyes, concentrating on the warmth radiating from him. A deep sense of belonging washed over her whenever he was near. Why had she ignored this for so long? Why had she needed a whole day to agree to something as simple as a date?
"Clark, I'm so sorry,” she whispered through the tears streaming down her cheeks. “None of this would have happened if I had believed you when you told me about Lex. I-" She was cut off by a choked sob escaping her.
"Hey, hey, this isn't your fault," he said gently. "Don't let her get to you."
His thumb traced a small circle on her cheek, wiping away her tears. He tilted up her chin until she was looking at him again. Though he had nearly died, there was no anger in his gaze, no reproach - just warmth and love. His face still looked like Lex’s, but the longer she held his gaze, the less she recognized the cruel billionaire in him. It was as if - through his eyes - she could see right into his soul, as if the mental image she had of Clark replaced reality.
This was the man she could love and trust, the man who was right for her. She’d recognized that on her wedding day, while she was trying to imagine herself with Lex. Clark was the right person for her. What Lex might or might not have done was of no significance. But Kelly’s words snuck back up on her anyway and made her stomach twist.
<He would have done everything for you. He’d have loved and cherished you if you’d just let him. The things he was forced to do to get your attention! And for what?>"What if she's right about Lex?" Lois whispered. "He destroyed the Planet because of me. I asked him about his past after you'd warned me. He said that he had done questionable things, but that he would change his life because of me. What if-"
She broke off, unable to voice that thought. It had taken her weeks to come to terms with the fact that she’d fallen for Lex, hadn’t seen right through his deception even though she considered herself oh-so-clever. She obviously hadn’t been. It didn’t bear imagining that she had unwittingly been an accomplice to his evil deeds. If she hadn’t attracted his attention, if she hadn’t been blinded by his power, if she’d said yes to his proposal instead of stalling… All the things that had happened between his proposal and her acceptance of it had been a result of her actions as well.
Lois felt sick.
Clark framed her face with both his hands and gave a firm shake of his head. "Luthor lied to you. He wasn’t going to change.”
Lois felt her chest tighten with uncertainty. "How would you know?"
Clark’s jaw tensed. His hands left her cheeks and he averted his gaze. "He told me."
With a pang of worry, Lois noticed the sudden change in his demeanor. Her stomach dropped as she remembered Martha’s words about Lex trying to kill Clark. She remembered how awful Clark had looked when he’d pulled her into an embrace to protect her from having to witness Lex’ violent death. Her breath caught as she recalled another detail she hadn’t understood at the time. For a moment, Clark had let go of her and had tried to jump.
Lois’ heart was beating in her throat as she stared at Clark. He looked back at her, anguish reflecting in his gaze. His lips had become a tight line and his jaw was working as if he too had painful memories of that day.
"What happened between you and Lex?” Lois heard herself ask, though she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear Clark’s answer. “I always thought that you didn't save him because you hadn't been nearby. But you were right by my side."
Clark ran his hand over his head and shifted his position in obvious discomfort. “I didn't save him because I couldn't. I didn't have my powers."
The thump-thump of Lois’ heartbeat seemed to echo throughout the room. Her mouth had run dry and her stomach had formed a knot, twisted so tight that she wasn’t sure it would ever unclench again. A shiver ran down her spine.
"Why?" she choked out.
Clark released a slow breath and shook his head. "Does it really matter?"
He was kneading his hands, unable to look at her. She felt a rift between them, one that inexplicably had been there for quite a while, ever since he’d held her in his arms after her near wedding, after he’d taken back his declaration of love and after she’d thrown herself at Superman again. Yet, until now, she’d never been aware of it. But now it was there, like a deep canyon that she didn’t know how to cross.
Terror invaded her thoughts and Lois closed her eyes, hoping that the truth couldn’t possibly be worse than the terrible ideas that were popping into her head.
It obviously was bad enough that he didn’t want to talk about it.
Painful though it might be, she needed to know. "Clark-"
He heaved a sigh and studied his hands. “I really don’t think-”
“Clark, please tell me!”
“All right.” His shoulders sagged in resignation. "He lured me into a trap and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I spent the night before your wedding in a kryptonite cage."
"What?" Lois felt as if someone had punched her.
She clearly remembered finding him on the floor of Luthor’s penthouse writhing in pain from the kryptonite bullet that had been lodged inside his shoulder. Even after she had removed it, she'd seen him flinch as she'd accidentally brought it closer to him. Black spots seemed to dance before her eyes as Lois realized that even though she and Clark had written a series of articles exposing Luthor's true nature to the world, she hadn't known the half of it.
If a piece of kryptonite as small as the one she’d pulled from his shoulder could bring him so close to his death that he’d asked her to dig it out because he’d have no time to make it to the hospital, what would a whole cage of it do to him? How was he still breathing? How was he still able to love her like he did?
Her blood ran cold and she put her hand to her mouth to keep herself from screaming.
Her voice was hoarse. "Why did you never tell me?"
Clark's expression softened. "There was no reason to burden you with that knowledge. You had enough on your plate as it was."
"But you could have died that night," she protested.
A rush of anger went through her because he'd made that decision without her, assuming she wasn't strong enough to take the truth. It was terrifying to learn how close she'd been to losing Clark three times already. She could have lost him without ever telling him...
"I didn't," Clark said firmly. "I managed to escape. Don't dwell on it, Lois. It was Luthor's doing, never yours."
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. As he looked up at her, Lois could see that - no matter what he said - the night in that cage still haunted him. And how could it not?
"But I-"
He silenced her by laying his index finger on her lips. "Look, this really isn't about placing blame. I'm telling you this to show you what a man Luthor truly was."
Clark put his glasses back on and sat straight. "While I was in that cage, he came to taunt me. He told me that you were much too independent for his taste." He fell silent for a moment, letting the words sink in.
Lois' breath caught and she squeezed her eyes shut. All the things he'd told her about love and mutual respect. So many lies. Was it so hard to believe that he would rape her after she’d denied him what he’d probably considered his right after their almost wedding? Her gut clenched and part of her wanted to leave it at that and not press on. But she needed to know. She needed to face the truth.
"I’m guessing that's not all," Lois whispered.
Clark shook his head. "He wanted to break you. For him, you were nothing but a trophy. He enjoyed the chase; he might have enjoyed taming you." He swallowed, once more averting his gaze. His voice was rough as he continued. "I'm pretty sure that he would have become bored once he had turned you into a docile decoration for his arm."
How had she not seen that? How could she have been so blind? Clark had told her he loved her, and she'd dismissed him. He'd proven his affection for her every day, through every simple act of kindness. Lex had done nothing but present her with a ring and lavish her with meaningless luxury.
"Love should come without conditions," Clark said quietly. He looked down into his lap and bit his lip, a look of intense guilt on his face. "I should have realized that too, back when I insisted you were supposed to love Clark rather than Superman. That wasn't fair of me."
Lois' breath caught as she watched Clark, saw the remorse in his eyes. It didn't feel right. How could he compare his actions to those of Luthor, even for a minute?
"That was different." Lois laid her hand on his arm, feeling that connection again. She shook her head. "You were right - I wasn't really looking beyond the exterior when I asked you if there was a chance for us. These past two days, I've learned so much about you that I never really thought about."
Like that there was a very vulnerable heart beating inside that chest of steel, she added in her mind. A heart that was still kind even though she'd trampled on it. Clark's biggest goal in life was not power or wealth. He could have both in abundance, and no one would be able to stop him. But all he really wanted was to fit in and have someone love him.
Lois' heart swelled with gratitude that such a special man had given his heart to her, of all people. She wanted to reach out and frame his face with her hands. Her lips ached to kiss him. But her heart twisted as she remembered that he was still in Luthor's body. And kissing that other man, well, it just felt wrong.
Clark pulled his arm back and let out a sigh. He wiped his face. "I know. It's like I'm really seeing myself for the first time. It's scary."
He got to his feet and went closer to one of the windows. For a moment he seemed to be watching his reflection in the blind pane. A shiver went through his body, and he leaned his forehead against the frame.
Lois joined him beside the window and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "That's not what I meant."
He looked over his shoulder, his eyebrows raised in a silent question.
"All this time I thought you'd just been jealous of Luthor," she whispered. "And now I learn that you went through hell to save me from him. He locked you up in a kryptonite cage, and I've seen what that stuff does to you. How could you even want to go out with me after that?"
A sad smile flashed across his face and his lips curled in a wry expression as if that was a stupid thing to ask. He reached out and brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. The loving gaze resting on her was Clark's - there was no doubt about that.
For a wonderful moment, Lois thought he was going to lean in and kiss her. She tried to suppress her conflicting emotions. Lois couldn't help the strange notion that if she went through with it and kissed him as long as he was only Clark on the inside, she'd betray him.
But his eyes clouded over and he pulled back. "And how could I even think about dating you without letting you know about all the implications? You'd agreed to date Clark. You hadn’t signed up for Superman as well.”
Clark lowered his gaze in apparent shame and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants. It tore at her heart to see him so full of doubts about himself. Lex’ actions had obviously done a real number on him. But she also felt that surge of anger that always washed over her when men thought they could decide what she was supposed to think and how she was supposed to feel. Maybe that kind of fury only grew in intensity because she’d just now realized how wrong her assessment of Lex had really been.
Lois let out a huff of frustration and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “You do remember that I signed up for Superman long before I was ready to admit to myself that I really had feelings for Clark?”
She glared at him, pursing her lips. Why did he have to be so awfully stubborn? And how could she even be mad at him right now when she knew exactly that he was just hurting and being difficult because of it?
“Yeah,” he said flatly.
His jaw worked and he tensed as if - deep down - he were still chewing on the night she’d declared her love for him after rejecting his human side mere hours before. His feet seemed unable to stand still and he started pacing.
“But did you really think about what it means to date Superman then?” The raw pain in his gaze caused Lois to gasp. But he ignored her reaction as he went on. “There’s a good chance I will run out on you whenever I’m needed. I could control every aspect of your life if I wanted to. You couldn't get away from me and you wouldn't stand a chance if I set my mind on violating you. How could I ever ask you to trust me?"
She stepped in his way and placed her hand on his chest to stop him. Only when she’d already touched him did she remember how badly burned his skin had been. But this time he didn’t flinch. He looked up at her, troubled.
“Are you telling me that you will try to control me?” she asked softly.
Clark stared at her, appalled. “Of course not, I-”
“Or that you will hurt me?” She cut him off.
“No, Lois, but there are so many ways I could inadvertently do that,” he confessed. “I can’t promise you that I will never listen in on you, because sometimes it just happens. I can’t promise you that I’ll never overstep a line, and if I do it would be so much worse than with anyone else. I already lied to you countless times. I played dead, I hurt you in so many ways.”
Lois’ heart twisted in her chest as she saw him agonizing over past mistakes. “Yes you did, Clark. But you’re only a man. We all make mistakes. I hurt you too. The thing is - you don’t need to ask if I trust you, because I already do. I
trust you."
She made a step toward him and leaned her head against his chest. This time he didn’t pull back, but wrapped his arms around her. He placed a kiss into her hair and she reveled in the feel of his heartbeat under her fingertips and the gentle motion of his chest against hers as he breathed. She’d come so close to losing him. There was no way she was ever going to let him slip through her fingers again.
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