TOCChapter 22:Clark was lost in the feeling of Lois’ arms around him. This was all he'd ever wanted, all he'd ever dreamed of. Lois was here with him, knew about his secret and the powers and everything that set him apart. She embraced him, though he wasn't human, though he wasn't even himself. She didn't seem angry, though she'd have every right to be.
Under his skin, he felt the familiar tingle of his strength. Gone were the aches and pains. His ribs were no longer bruised, his chest no longer covered in burns and blisters. The serum had lent Luthor’s body the powers, letting Clark feel a bit more like himself.
Clark didn't want this moment to end. He loved her so much.
Though she'd agreed to date him, he hadn't been sure she shared his feelings. But the way she clung to him now, with a passion so fierce that it seemed she never wanted to let go of him again, hope stirred inside him. He breathed her in, the soft scent of her hair and just a whiff of yesterday's perfume, intermingled with a hint of sweat.
It was only a tiny detail amiss in his fantasy, but it brought Clark back to reality like a ton of bricks hitting him hard. What was he doing here, dreaming of a date with Lois that was likely never going to be? How could he be so selfish to forget that Luthor was still on the loose, much more powerful than Clark could ever be with his borrowed strength?
They still had a long way to go before Luthor would be back in his own body and in custody. And the things that would have to happen on this rocky path would probably lead to Lois seeing him in a completely different light, one that was far less favorable. But unfortunately, it was the ugly reality he’d conveniently forgotten about while he’d led himself to believe that he could have this human life he’d been dreaming about ever since his powers had first developed.
And what about his parents?
What kind of madness had compelled him to forget about them? Appalled, Clark disentangled himself from her comforting hug and took a step back. His heart broke inside his chest, mourning the loss of contact. Comfortable though it was, he couldn't allow himself to stay in this cocoon of make-believe. Hugging Lois was not going to get him out of this mess, even though for the moment his troubles seemed to lessen.
Lois frowned at his retreat. She ran her hand along his arm, trying to keep the contact.
It was so alluring. He felt every inch of skin she touched tingle with the urge to get closer again, to savor what she was willing to offer.
But he couldn't!
He couldn't get lost in his feelings for Lois or daydream about a future that was never going to be. It was bitter irony that they were finally on the same page concerning how they felt about each other. All they'd need to do was take the next step. Only there was no longer a ground to walk on, just an abyss that stretched in every direction as far as the eye could see.
His heart clenched in despair and he fought against the lump in this throat that was suddenly suffocating him. Clark pushed the distracting thoughts to the back of his mind.
He needed to focus. This was no time to dream about her enticing lips or indulge in fantasies of dating her. As long as he was in Luthor' body, he'd better not get lost in the thoughts of things he might never have. It was too confusing and too painful.
Clark steeled his heart, desperately trying to make himself forget about the enticing sight of her lips or the feel of her slender body in his arms and how perfectly they fit together even if he wasn’t himself. But he remembered from the fateful night before that Lois in his own arms felt just as incredible, if not more so.
Clark gritted his teeth. "Did you have a chance to talk to my parents?"
If she was surprised at his sudden change of topic, she didn't let on. “I told your mother what's going on. But I'm not sure they'll heed your advice and hide. Your mom asked me to keep her updated.”
Clark's stomach dropped. He squeezed his eyes shut. Why did his parents have to be so incredibly stubborn? He rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying not to lose himself in despair again. This didn't have to mean his parent's lives were in danger. He and Lois just had to act quickly. He had to keep his wits about him.
Clark clenched and unclenched his hands, then straightened. "What about Henderson?"
Lines of worry appeared around her eyes. "I told him that Superman is compromised and that we're trying to stop him. I mentioned his involvement in the explosion at the docks and that you'd turn yourself in once this is over." She inhaled sharply. “But Clark, you can’t possibly be serious about that-”
"Good," Clark cut her off.
She opened her mouth, but he just shook his head. He knew what she was going to say, and if he’d let her, she might end up persuading him that it was a bad idea. Truth be told, he didn’t much like it either, but there really was no other way. Too much was at stake here. And there was still the chance that he might not be successful, that Luthor would prevail, and what then? It was an option that really didn’t bear thinking about. He started pacing before his brain could pull up all sorts of horror scenarios that involved Luthor winning this fight.
"Kelly said she'd get the stone and that means we've got to get a hold of kryptonite somehow,” he rattled off. “St. John likely has the piece Vale had. Did Henderson mention anything when you talked to him?”
Lois just shook her head. Clark bit his lips. He hadn’t thought so. That meant there was only S.T.A.R. Labs left. He knew they had a piece. A Dr. Klein was studying it, though Clark had yet to work up the courage to approach him about the kryptonite that had most likely come from the remnants of Luthor’s cage. If he were still Superman, he might convince Dr. Klein to hand over the kryptonite. But looking like Luthor, it wouldn’t be easy to get into the facility. And they needed to be quick, before SuperLex was back from Rhelasia, else he would learn of their plan. But that meant that they had to walk into S.T.A.R. Labs in broad daylight while Clark looked like a criminal every single police officer in Metropolis would just love to get their hands on.
They’d be sitting in jail before he knew it and then - his gaze drifted over to Lois, whose frown was deepening with every passing second. This was all too dangerous. How could he even think about involving her in any of this? He had to go alone, he had to -
He felt her hand on his arm. “Snap out of it, Clark.”
Startled, Clark looked up. “Huh?”
She pursed her lips and gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. “You have that look on your face again.”
“What look?” he grumbled.
Her eyes narrowed on him. “The same look you always get when you’re about to do something incredibly noble but infinitely stupid. Like when you were ready to leave everything that is dear to you behind because of a heatwave you didn’t even cause. So what's it this time?"
Clark let out a huff of frustration. He knew she meant well. "This is different."
Lois crossed her arms in front of her chest. "How?"
"What I'm about to do is incredibly dangerous." He clenched his hand into a tight fist. "Not to mention illegal. The only other place that has kryptonite is S.T.A.R. Labs. A man named Bernard Klein is studying it. And I need to get that rock before SuperLex returns, which means that I’m going to have to do it while people are still working there. And I-”
“Stop it right there, buster,” she glared at him. “You can’t honestly be considering doing this on your own, you of all people!”
He threw up his hands. “But I can’t let you come with me. It’s too dangerous.”
“You’re right, it’s dangerous,” Lois conceded. “But it would be even more dangerous if you tagged along, Clark. Don’t you see that our whole plan is busted if Lex finds out about it? Which he will if you happen to switch again while we’re there. So far we’ve managed to stay under his radar, and I plan on keeping it that way. You heard Kelly, you have to rest. I’m going to get the kryptonite, and I’m going alone.”
Clark felt like a vice was constricting around his chest. He couldn’t breathe. Lois was right, if they switched again and Luthor learned about the kryptonite and that they had a plan to beat him, he would certainly resort to more desperate measures. Ice filled his veins as he imagined Lois on a mission as dangerous as this one. He couldn’t do that to her, he couldn’t -
Her fingers closed around his, and she gently brought his hand to her chest, laying her other hand on his and drawing a slow circle on its back.
“Do you trust me?” she asked softly.
He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “You know I do.”
Her gaze was warm and full of love. “Then trust me to keep myself safe. I’ve got more to lose than my freedom. If Lex wins, how could I ever be happy again? I’m not going to do something reckless. Not this time.”
Clark closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. A war of emotions was raging inside him.
“I know you’re right,” he said quietly. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it. This feels so wrong, Lois. You shouldn’t have to take such a risk for me.”
“You did the same for me.” She framed his face with her hands. “You rescued us from Trask though you knew he had kryptonite. You flew into space and saved us all from Nightfall. You didn’t give up on me after I had rejected your declaration of love. You could have let me marry the monster without giving it a second thought and I would have gotten what I deserved. Yet you kept on fighting. I owe you so much.”
Clark shook his head. “You owe me nothing." He laid his hand on hers and, turning his head slightly, kissed her palm. "I'd gladly do it all over again if it meant I could keep you safe. How can you expect me to stand by and do nothing?"
It was killing him inside, because deep down he knew he would have no other choice.
"You have to be prepared for a more important fight," Lois said gently. "One that
I can't help you with. And that's scaring me just as much as letting me go now is scaring you." A sob escaped her lips. "You've got to face SuperLex. You've got to get close enough to reclaim your body. This is going to be much more dangerous than what I'm going to do." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her face against his chest. "I'm terrified of losing you."
"You won't." He placed a kiss on her hair and inhaled the sweet scent. Shivers ran through her body, and he pulled her a little closer. He wished he knew how to comfort her.
Clark tried to lace his words with all the conviction he was capable of. "We're going to get through this." He hoped he was right about that, because if he lost this fight… He took a shuddering breath and pushed the thought aside.
"Luthor might have Superman's powers right now. But he doesn't know them like I do," he said quietly. "He won't know what hit him."
Lois took a step back and smiled at him, but Clark saw the tears glistening in her eyes. He replied with a smile of his own. Time seemed to stand still as they looked at each other. Once again, Clark felt the overwhelming urge to kiss her. But as much as he was aching for this, he knew he would have to wait until he was himself again. He had to content himself with the knowledge that any kiss he might share with her would taste even sweeter if it was the beginning of something that had even a chance to be lasting.
She bit her lip and her expression turned wistful. "I should probably go now and meet Henderson. The medical examiner is performing the autopsy this afternoon. Perhaps I’ll have a chance to find out where Vale kept the kryptonite and if Nigel really has it already. If we're lucky, I won't even have to break into S.T.A.R. Labs.”
Clark felt a pang of disappointment as he realized that she was going to leave him now. Though he also felt relieved that her first impulse was not to do something reckless. He had little hope that she would find kryptonite on Rollie Vale. Fate wouldn’t bless them with such luck.
“Be careful,” he said quietly. “Maybe you should go back to the Planet as well, in case Luthor shows up there to keep up appearances. If he thinks you’re still working on the story, he won’t suspect you’re helping me.”
He closed his eyes and breathed through the rising nausea that accompanied thoughts of Lois anywhere near SuperLex. But Clark knew that her life would be even more in danger if Luthor harbored any suspicions that Lois might be useful to find the body he longed to kill. He ran his hand over his face and rubbed his eyes.
“I hate to do this to you,” Clark whispered.
“You’re not doing anything to me, Clark,” Lois replied sternly. “Helping you is my decision. There’s another thing. While I'm gone, we need to make sure that Luthor won't find out where you are, in case you switch again." Lois swallowed and looked at her feet. "I'm going to have to restrain and blindfold you, Clark."
He stared at her, dumbfounded. His chest tightened and a chill ran down his spine. The way things were, he already felt helpless enough. If he couldn’t move, if he couldn’t even see what was going on around him…
“No,” he rasped.
Stumbling back a few steps, he hit a wall behind him. His breath came in panting gasps.
Her voice was laced with pain and guilt. “You know I’m right. If he finds you before we’re prepared, we’ve lost.”
He felt trapped and helpless. Numbness took hold of him as he looked at her. He knew her arguments were sound. Of course she was right. If they switched back and Luthor recognized the hospital or managed to get out, then he would know where to look for his old body once his strength returned. But the prospect of having to wait here, blindfolded and unable to do anything at all, was harrowing.
Her gaze was full of sympathy as she took his hand. “I don’t want to do this any more than you do. But we have to make sure you’re safe.”
Clark took a shuddering breath. “What if finding himself in restraints will tip him off that we're planning something?"
Lois seemed to ponder that for a moment. "I don't believe it will. He sent Nigel after you. Lex will assume Nigel got you and made sure you won't escape."
"Maybe." Clark hoped she was right. "But what if Nigel-"
"This will work," Lois reassured him. "Nigel has a strong incentive to remain on our side for the time being. I made an arrangement that the money won't be transferred to his account before Lex is defeated."
A slight smile played around Lois' lips. Clark could only stare at her as if, just now, he was seeing her for the first time. He'd always known that she was brilliant and reckless, but to him, it seemed like he'd never truly understood what that meant until today.
He gasped. "You tricked him?"
The air rushed out of Clark's chest and he felt dizzy as he realized how easily that could have gone south. But here she was standing in front of him, obviously unharmed.
But his heart also swelled with pride as he took her in, the woman who was watching him with a sly smile. Her chin was raised in defiance, giving a silent warning that he better not get into an argument about it.
"Have I ever told you how amazing you are?" he whispered. "Though one of these days you're going to give me a heart attack."
She winked at him. "Then we better get you back to normal soon, so this won't be an issue."
Clark heaved a sigh. "With you around, I wouldn't be so sure about that."
Lois grinned at him, but as she looked down at her bag, her smile faltered. She pulled out handcuffs, but from the way she wasn't quite able to look him in the eyes, Clark could tell that she was just as uncomfortable about this as he was.
"We better get started before Luthor sneaks back up on us," Lois said quietly.
Clark swallowed hard, but nodded. "You're right. We should move over to the old radiology room, though. The walls are lead lined, so Luthor won't be able to spot me in case he scans the city."
They gave each other a tight nod, the sudden change in tension almost palpable. Clark led the way, his feet reluctant to follow. Consciously he knew it was their best option, but his heart wasn't in it. If at all possible, he hated Luthor more with every step he took. His mind was racing, desperate to come up with another plan. But try as he might he couldn't think of anything that wouldn't put Lois in danger.
Soon, they entered the old radiology room, and Clark sat down beside the radiator on the wall.
Lois knelt in front of him. "I don't have anything to blindfold you."
"We can use the shirt. There's not much left of it, but it should serve the purpose." He slipped out of his coat, then took off his shirt and ripped it into large strips. "While we're at it, you should gag me too."
Lois stared at him with wide eyes. "No, Clark. I can't do that to you."
"Nigel would have no such qualms. It might help convince Luthor that his henchman already captured me."
"But if Nigel crosses us after all, you'll be helpless against Lex. You won't even be able to yell for help."
Clark laid a hand on her arm. "We're talking about Superman here. If he finds me before we have the means to stop him, there isn't much I could do about it. This is our best bet. As long as we get him to believe that he's got the upper hand, we might have a chance to go unnoticed."
Lois nodded meekly as he held up his arms, ready for her to cuff him to the radiator. Her eyes filled with tears as she opened the handcuffs and tied first one of his hands, then the other.
Her gaze was stoically fixed on some point on the wall. She took one of the pieces of fabric next, readying herself to blindfold him. But before she did so, she hesitated. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, as if she wanted to ask him something. But then she averted her gaze again and her hands trembled as if she couldn't find the courage.
"Is there something else on your mind?" he asked softly.
She chewed on her bottom lip. "There is one thing I'd like to know." A deep blush tinted her cheeks.
He longed to reach out and run his thumb along her cheek, but he couldn’t. Instead he tried to convey the gesture with his gaze. "You know you can ask me anything. I've no secrets left."
She took a deep breath. "I know this is not the best time to ask this, but do you have any idea why Luthor attacked me? I mean, the brief time we were together he was the perfect gentleman. I asked him to wait and he did. He didn't pressure me into intimacy like he tried yesterday. This kind of cruelty seems out of character, even for him."
Clark felt his gut clench. He had been afraid of that question because it stirred some deep-rooted fears inside of him. Shifting his seat and closing his eyes for a moment, he braced himself and tried to find the words that would not let her eyes widen in fear or let her recoil at the idea of spending one more minute in his presence.
He hung his head. "I can't know for sure what was going on. But my guess is that he was overwhelmed."
"Huh?" Her head shot up and she stared at him with a mixture of curiosity and anger.
Clark’s cheeks grew hot, and suddenly he couldn’t stand to hold her gaze another moment as the memories of having Lois in his arms, of kissing her like he’d never kissed her before, resurfaced. He was painfully aware that he, too, had almost missed her struggle, that he’d misinterpreted it as her needing to catch her breath. And he cringed as he remembered just how difficult it had been to stop himself.
He fumbled for words. "My senses…they…they're much stronger than…a human's.”
His gaze darted up to take in her expression and gauge her reaction. The frown on her face was still there, but it hadn’t deepened yet. She hadn’t pulled back. But then, he hadn’t really said anything of significance, had he?
Clark licked his lips that felt awfully dry. “I guess I never realized how much so until I was back in my own body, kissing you.”
His heart rate increased with every word he uttered, it seemed. He heard his pulse thumping away loudly, as if it wanted to drown out what he needed to say. His tongue was stuck on the roof of his mouth. It had been bad enough finding the courage to finally ask her out. Voicing the exact level of his desire for her, trying to explain how his sense of smell and touch fit into the bigger picture of what almost happened between her and Luthor, what might happen between her and him if he ever lost himself in those sensations…
“It was intoxicating,” he admitted. His cheeks burned even hotter, and he closed his eyes, unable to look at Lois. “It was as if I'd been blind and deaf and suddenly I could see and hear and smell. In Luthor's body everything I sense and feel is muted by comparison, as if I just experience it from a distance, as if I’m not really part of it.”
He wanted to run his hands over his head but felt the cuffs tug at his wrists, which brought him back to the reality of Lois still kneeling in front of him and watching him with quiet interest. Strangely enough, she no longer seemed angry. Didn’t she understand what he was talking about? Maybe he had to go about it another way, find an analogy she could relate to?
Clark once more tried to shift his position, but found that it wasn't really the handcuffs making him feel uncomfortable. There was no easy way to say this, so he’d better just get it out.
“What happened to you after you were sprayed with the pheromone, I think that's what happened to Luthor while he was kissing you,” he ground out. “He was drunk on desire.”
Lois’ forehead creased back into a deep frown. “So you're saying what, that I smelled too good, attracted him too much? That somehow this is my fault?”
Clark shook his head. “Of course it wasn't your fault. But I believe it wasn't entirely his fault either. I've been used to these senses all my life. But when I kissed you and all these sensations flooded me after everything had been so dull before, I almost couldn't stop myself.”
He wished there was a way to let her understand how sorry he was about it. But right in this moment, it felt as if he had taken a huge leap into an abyss with no means to break his fall other than the heart of the woman sitting in front of him.
He could only hope that when this was all over, she'd still find it in her to trust him to keep her safe, to never go against her wishes. But how could he expect that of her if, right now, he wasn't sure he trusted himself?
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