TOCChapter 32: Lois raced up the stairs to Clark’s apartment. But the closer she got to her destination, the more her feet seemed to slow of their own volition. Her heart was pumping hard, and her breath came in panting gasps. It wasn’t due to exhaustion, though.
She’d gotten plenty of rest after Henderson had sent her home the night before. More than she'd wanted, maybe more than she deserved.
Her stomach twisted with renewed guilt that rushed through her and made every new step seem harder than the previous one. Why had she left Clark alone at the precinct? She’d needed to see him and reassure herself that he was doing okay, that he was on his way to recovery after his ordeal. It had been so painful to watch him struggle to Henderson’s car and climb into the backseat like he was some criminal instead of a victim.
It had killed Lois to see him like that, even more so since he'd done a thorough job at covering up how he was really doing. She’d seen his pale skin and the unusual beads of sweat covering his forehead. After everything that had happened, she hadn’t been able to stand the thought that he would have to go through the interrogation alone.
Lois had fought Henderson tooth and nail, desperate to catch at least a glimpse of Clark and convince herself that he was doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances. But Henderson hadn’t budged one iota, insisting that he’d question Superman alone. Since she was a witness, he couldn’t have her listen in on the interrogation.
Though she knew Henderson was right, leaving Clark there with him had been one of the hardest things she’d had to do. She’d wanted to wait at the precinct, but Henderson had insisted that she leave, since the interrogation would take a while and he wasn’t going to stay up the whole night to speak to her afterwards. He’d told her to come back at ten a.m. and not one moment earlier, or else… Even Lois hadn't dared to defy him, because she was well aware that they needed Henderson on their side, now more than ever. So she'd given in - kind of - and Henderson had put her into a cab, ordering the driver to bring her home.
At home, Lois had been so wired that she’d thought she would never be able to sleep. But once the adrenaline had run out and a hungry growl from her stomach had made her order takeout, exhaustion had won over. She’d been fast asleep the moment she’d rested her head on the pillow.
Now, as she stared at the door to Clark’s apartment, she wondered if maybe he was sleeping as well. Would she wake him if she knocked now? Lois felt guilty that she’d been able to eat dinner and enjoy a full night of sleep while her best friend and partner, the man she loved and who’d gone through hell had been forced to stay up and suffer through a grueling interrogation. He hadn't had the luxury to fall asleep until this morning.
After her own interview, Henderson had finally told her what he’d learned from Asabi and Kelly. Much to her relief, Clark had never been in trouble with the police. But even without the statements of Kelly and Asabi, Clark had convinced both Henderson and Mayson of his innocence.
The inspector had let Superman leave in the wee hours of the morning. Nobody had seen where he’d gone. Superman had snuck out in borrowed clothes, refusing the cab Henderson had offered him. Even without his powers, Superman had maintained the ever-present mystery that surrounded him. He seemed to exist outside the realm of men, requiring no place to live but the sky that was his home. Or so he wanted everyone to think.
Lois now knew that all of that was just a fantasy. The man underneath the suit was more human than anyone suspected. And right now he was behind that light blue door, hurt and alone. Last night he would have needed a friend. And where had she been? Would he understand that she’d had no choice but to leave? Would he forgive her? Could she forgive herself?
Lois dried her clammy hands on her coat and climbed the last steps to Clark’s apartment. Her heart was still beating in her throat as she watched his door with trepidation. Part of her was scared of what she would find behind it.
Would he still be sleeping off his exhaustion? Did he need more time? Would he be glad to see her, or would he prefer to lick his wounds in private?
Her stomach dropped as she realized that she didn’t know. Clark had always seemed so open and easygoing. Before she’d learned about his secret, she’d never even suspected that he might be hiding something.
But in retrospect, he’d been a much more private person than she’d thought. All the things he’d never talked about – his feelings as he’d been accused of causing the heatwave, the tests Luthor had performed on him during his early days as Superman, the day Metallo had injured him. He’d kept all of that bottled up inside.
Was that his preferred way of dealing with problems or had he just kept things in for lack of a person to talk to? Would he rather talk to his parents? She wasn’t sure, and it saddened her that there was such a huge part of his personality that she’d not yet gotten to know.
Well, that was going to change now that they were both safe and could sit down to talk, wasn’t it? She squeezed her eyes shut, sending a quiet prayer to Heaven that it would.
Lois straightened her shoulders and took another step toward his door, raising her fist to knock. But she hesitated at the last moment and pulled away as fear crept up on her again.
What if it wasn’t over? What if the man behind the door wasn’t really Clark? Her breath caught in her throat and her stomach tightened as a wave of dizziness washed over her. Could she ever be completely sure that Clark was Clark? Lex had fooled her before. What if she fell for his tricks again? What if he was still there, just better at hiding himself now that he knew that she knew? What if she kissed him in the body of Clark, married him in the body of Clark, only to wake up one day and find herself in the clutches of a monster?
Dark spots danced before her eyes and her legs threatened to give out underneath her. Lois sank down on the steps that led up to his apartment and buried her head in her hands. She’d been so eager to see him, desperate to talk to him again, to reassure herself that Clark was okay.
But now, she realized, she was also afraid. She was longing for his hug, but she couldn’t bring herself to knock at his door. Instead, she sat frozen on his front porch and had no idea what she was supposed to do.
Clark’s gentle voice startled her. “Lois.”
She turned her head. He leaned against the door frame, still a little pale but looking much better than he had last night. His cheeks were sporting an unfamiliar stubble, but other than that, he was the Clark Kent she knew. Clark was dressed in dark sweatpants. A soft, slightly worn, grey Mid-Western U shirt stretched across his broad chest, revealing muscular arms that made Lois’ throat run dry, despite her efforts not to ogle him.
She couldn’t help but think that Lex would never wear something so casual.
A smile spread across Clark’s face, tentative at first, but soon turning into the whole thousand watts he was capable of. It flooded her with a sense of comfort and belonging like only Clark’s smile could. Whenever she was near him, she felt at home.
He opened the door a little further and stepped aside. “Would you like to come in?”
There was something cautious about his invitation, almost as if he hadn’t dared to ask or was expecting her to decline. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his pants as he waited patiently without any indication that he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Unassuming.
The word echoed through her mind. It had never occurred to her to use it to describe Lex.
Unlike Clark, Lex had assumed a lot: that he could wine and dine her into submission, that fancy gifts and impromptu dinners at oversea restaurants equaled romance, that she’d marry him just because he’d asked her, that he could dictate her work and her private life and everything that made her who she was. And somehow he'd succeeded in getting what he wanted without her ever realizing that he was pushing her in directions she wouldn't have taken willingly.
No, unassuming really didn’t come to mind when thinking about Lex Luthor.
Her feet itched to jump up and take a step in Clark’s direction, her whole body ached for his tender embrace. But she still couldn’t bring herself to really move, no matter how much she tried to tell herself that she had her Clark back.
He gave her time.
“I’m scared too,” he whispered after a while.
Instead of her, it was Clark who moved away from his door. He took a seat on the steps next to her, leaving a respectful distance between them. He leaned his arms on his knees and kneaded his hands.
His expression was sheepish as he turned to look at her. "I'm scared that he’ll sneak back up on me when I least expect it. I wouldn't be surprised if you felt the same way.”
He knew her so well. From day one, he’d always seemed to know exactly what to say or do to cheer her up or put her in her place if need be. And now he waited for her with this endless patience that was so uniquely Clark.
She wanted to believe he
was Clark. But could she trust him? Could she trust herself?
“He won’t return,” Lois finally managed to say past the lump in her throat. “Henderson said that Luthor died last night.”
Clark nodded. His jaw worked and his lips became a tight line. “I know. But he’s been dead before.”
Lois laid a hand on his arm, feeling the familiar jolt of electricity at the contact. “Kelly took her own life in jail after she heard the news.”
His eyes widened, and he sucked in a sharp breath. “She’s dead?”
“Yeah.”
Lois studied his face, seeing pain and regret in his eyes, but also something else that she couldn’t quite place. Was it relief? It seemed unlike Clark - though in this case, she could relate. Still, a sense of unease crept up on her.
“I shouldn’t be happy about it." He pulled his arm from her hand and buried his head in his hands. “What kind of a person does that make me?”
Her heart went out to him. After everything he’d gone through, didn’t he have a right to be happy that it was over? The memories of how Kelly had treated him still sent a shiver down Lois' spine.
“A sane person, I guess.” She ran her hand over his back, stroked his arm and then reached for his hand until he looked at her again.
Touching him sent all the right feelings through her body, that slight spark she always felt when he was near. Lois' heart beat a little faster. This was right, this was how it was supposed to be between them. But the doubts wouldn't go away completely, nagging her with insistence. She had no idea how to get rid of them. What if this was all an act? What if she wanted to see Clark so badly that she did?
Her gaze drifted across his face and lingered on his lips. Could she solve her dilemma by kissing him? She’d noticed the difference between them two days ago. She'd known when Lex had turned into Clark.
“It’s okay if you need more time to be sure,” he said softly. “I must have looked into the mirror like a hundred times since I woke up.”
He’d averted his eyes, but she suddenly noticed the dark circles around them. He looked tired, but also restless. Again, he ran his hand through his hair and shifted his position. It was obvious the experience with Lex had rattled Clark deeply. Lois tried to picture Lex sitting on that step, just as uneasy and shaken, but she couldn’t. Her late fiancé had always exuded confidence, even when things looked grim. He’d been so sure he could buy their way out when they’d been held captive at the Daily Planet so many months ago. And from what she’d heard, he hadn’t even batted an eye when Henderson had come to arrest him at their wedding.
Clark was different, though he often tried to hide his insecurities behind either the mask of Regular Guy Clark Kent or the guise of Out-of-This-World hero Superman. But during the past few days, she’d gotten to know the real Clark, who struggled with his role in this world. And now, as he was sitting beside her, he let her see more of that real person. How could any of this be an act?
“It’s strange,” he muttered. “Ever since I developed these powers, I’d been wondering who I was and if I would ever find out. And now, when I thought that I finally had some answers to these questions, Luthor steals my identity and suddenly I’m not sure who I am anymore.”
“He’s gone,” she said quietly.
His lips twitched in a faint smile. “If only chasing away his shadow were as easy as saying the words loud or often enough until we believe them.”
He heaved a long sigh, and with a start, she realized that she’d done the same. What would it take to chase away Luthor’s shadow? Should she ask him for a date, a test-run to see if she’d face that same nightmare all over again? Should she kiss him and wait if he overstepped the line? Was there some way to prove to her heart that Clark was Clark after her mind had mostly decided that he was?
Lois moved her hand toward his, and their fingers entwined, his touch creating a warmth that spread up her arm. The comfort she felt around him was so completely different from anything she’d felt while Lex had been inside his body. What she’d considered pre-dating jitters had actually been her heart warning her that something was wrong with Clark. She’d sensed it early on, when his scream for help had invaded her nightmares.
She reached out and ran her hand along his cheek, encouraging him to lift his head a bit until he looked at her with those soulful, warm, brown eyes. There was still sorrow clouding them, a hint of fear and doubts. But the veil between them slipped, and Lois saw Clark more clearly, beyond her own mixed feelings of longing and fear. She could sense his confusion and anxiety almost as if they were her own.
A deep feeling of trust settled within her, permeated her every fiber and dispelled the doubts. She could trust this man. Loving him no longer felt like she had to take a leap of faith. They'd moved past that during the past few days.
Whatever had separated her from him before was gone. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her head in his shoulder. He melted into the embrace, his arms encircling her gently and with only light pressure. It was enough to be reassuring, solid and warm, but far from becoming uncomfortable. Just Clark’s gentle hug that she’d missed so much and that had never felt right with him in Luthor’s body. But now it was once again the way she’d somehow always taken for granted without really noticing how precious it was.
“You didn’t get much sleep, I guess,” she murmured into his shoulder.
“A couple of hours.” She felt the low rumble of his voice under her fingers. “Then I woke up, covered in sweat, thinking that I was back in Luthor’s body, that I had to go through it all over again.”
“You’re you,” she reassured him.
Clark pulled back a bit. “A good horse is like a member of the family.”
“Huh?” Lois looked up at him, confused.
He cracked a self-conscious smile. “That was what your fortune cookie said. I brought takeout from China to impress you during our very first investigation.”
“Don’t.” She placed her index finger on his lips to silence him. “I know you’re not Lex. You don’t have to prove it, you already did.”
His smile faltered, giving way to a tortured expression. “How could you ever be sure?”
“Because I know you, Clark Kent.” As she said the words, she realized just how true they were. “I could always tell when it was you and when it wasn’t. I might not have drawn the connection between you and Superman, but I always knew I could trust you. That is why I never doubted Superman, no matter how strong he is and what he could potentially do with these powers. On some subconscious level, I must have known it was you underneath that suit.”
She pulled him back into an embrace and pressed her lips to his in a deep kiss. It felt like coming home. His arms around her were like a comfortable blanket. His kiss, shy at first, was turning bolder as she opened her lips in silent invitation. It was everything she’d been hoping for and more. Because this time Clark wasn’t holding back. She tasted it all, his longing and despair, the loneliness, and his relief that the ordeal was finally over.
As they parted, both were breathless. Lois felt Clark’s heart pounding beneath the hand she’d placed on his chest - Superman’s chest, she realized with a start. She’d been dreaming about this for a while, though the reality was quite different from what she’d envisioned. Better, she decided. She’d been such a fool to push him away for so long.
“Let’s not wait, Clark,” she whispered against his shoulder. “Please go out with me tonight, before anything else crazy happens that keeps us from being happy.”
His hand cupped her cheek, and he traced her skin with his thumb. He watched her, love shining in his eyes, so warm and tender that she wondered how she could have feared, even for a moment, that he was still Lex Luthor. Lex had never looked at her like that. She felt herself drown in the dark pools of his eyes and had the urge to capture his lips again. But then his eyes clouded over and a blush crept across his cheeks.
He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Lois. After everything that’s happened… I just can’t imagine sitting in a restaurant full of people. Not yet, anyway. Maybe in a couple of days when I feel more like myself again, when I’m able to shake the feeling that he’s coming back to haunt me any moment. Until then, I’d be no fun to be with.”
Her heart sank. She was so eager to go out with him and get rid of the bad memories of her date with Lex in Clark’s body. Her heart longed to replace them with good ones. Of course, she understood why Clark was reluctant. It was only natural that he needed time to recover. He was probably still weak and tired. But she couldn’t bring herself to kiss his cheek and leave him for the night to heal in his own time.
She reached for his hands. “What if we stay at your place?”
“Huh?”
She went into full babbling mode. “Sort of like a test-run, an almost first date. We could order takeout and maybe watch a movie. I mean, it’s what we’re doing all the time, so it wouldn’t be so different from when I’m staying at your place any other day. But maybe if we call it a date, we could see if it works out. And you wouldn’t have to deal with all the people and -”
He silenced her with his index finger and a smile tugged at his lips. “An almost-first date? I’d love that, except for one thing. No takeout. Let me cook for you. I bet you’re hungry.”
He reached for her hand and helped her up as he stood. Then he laid an arm around her shoulders and guided her up the stairs, using his other hand to close the door behind them.
Lois’ heart skipped a beat, and she felt a comfortable sense of warmth flood her as she stepped down into his living room.
As Clark followed her, the slight slump to his shoulders gave away his weariness.
Her heart went out to him again. “You really want to cook?”
The thought excited her, though she also felt a pang of guilt. It was obvious from the way Clark was dragging his feet that he was still recovering from the kryptonite exposure. Surely, he’d be more comfortable sitting on his couch and waiting for the delivery guy than standing in the kitchen and having to cook without the benefit of his powers.
But Clark nodded and gave her a sly grin. “I enjoy cooking. Besides, I’m pretty sure it’s nothing Luthor ever did.”
Lois laughed and leaned into his embrace. He was right. Lex would have bragged about the quality of Chef André. She couldn’t imagine him with an apron and a knife, chopping vegetables.
Clark led her to the kitchen and pulled back a chair for her to sit on. Then he went to select a bottle of wine from his rack and took two glasses out of his cupboard.
He placed the glasses on the table with an apologetic shrug. “I know we should probably toast with champagne, but I don’t have a bottle in the fridge.”
She winked at him. “Let me guess, on a normal day you would have chilled a bottle with your breath.”
“Probably.” He grinned. “But unfortunately, that’s not an option tonight. So, how about a glass of red wine for the lady?”
“I’d love that.”
He poured a glass for her and one for himself. Then he raised his glass in a toast. “To our almost first-date.”
She clinked her glass to his and once more drowned in the dark pools of his eyes. They both watched each other intently, barely taking a sip from their wine because neither of them could stand to withdraw their gaze from each other, even for the moment it took to drink the wine. As she lowered her glass, he took it from her, setting it down on the table next to his own before pulling her closer.
“Are you starving, or would you mind if we danced first?”
Her mouth ran dry at the thought of swaying to soft music, held by his strong arms.
“I’d love to dance,” she said hoarsely.
He grinned and pulled her with him as he headed over to his stereo system and pressed a few buttons. Soft music filled the room, and his eyes were warm and almost wistful, as if he’d waited for this moment his whole life. She knew he had. He placed her arm on his shoulder and pressed his hand to the small of her back, pulling her toward him until she could feel his chest against hers. He began to move them in slow circles around his living room.
She had danced with him before, in both his guises. One evening he’d shown off and had floated them up, telling her that dancing was really supposed to be like that. At the time, she’d believed him, mesmerized by the experience of swaying weightlessly through the air. But even though their feet would remain firmly on the ground this evening, dancing with Clark like this, chest to chest, heart to heart, she knew that she’d just learned a new definition of dancing. If he never stopped, it would be too soon.
And Lois knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was going to be the best night of her life.
Because Clark was Clark.
And he made her whole.
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