Okay, I didn't really read the story, only parts of it. On the one hand because I didn't have time and on the other hand because I find the transcript quite confusing.
A few notes nonetheless.
I feel with you that the comments have not been so encouraging as you have probably hoped.
the story was a little rushed though the mill... and sort of came out as blackbread (or rye) instead of white filo-pastry/croisants (i cant spell)
Don't discriminate blackbread! I don't really know why the rest of the world seems to prefer white bread. You must come to Germany and enter the first available bakery! You'll be addicted! Okay, I'm joking. Your way of writing was a bit different from the common way. That's not necessarily bad.
Script and prose have both their strength and weaknesses. In my opinion the greatet advantage of prose is that you can read the characters minds (at least if the author is a good writer imho)
But if you manage to convey all the feelings in spoken language there is only one thing I can do
