Very good, Anna! Especially since English is your second (or third or fourth
) language. Not to nitpick the judge, but I sure have read "eyes wander" in a whole lot of stories.
To summarize how Wendy got your score:
The number in parenthasis is the total
for each judge. So the total possible is 4 times that number since we had four judges. The system works for any number. Simply total the four other numbers for each section and that is your score for the section.
Congratulations!
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So, for completeness, here's my scores:
Here's the link to the story.
Honeymoon in Tahoe The comments are really helpful and I can't disagree with the criticisms. I will watch my transitions from now on. So here they are:
Section 1 - Opening HookSECTION I: Total Points: (10) 7 4 5 10 = 26/40
Section 2 - Characterization SECTION II: Total Points: (5) 5 4 5 5 = 19/20
Section 3 - Plot SECTION III: Total Points: (10) 7 8 5 5 =25/40
Section 4 - Setting SECTION IV: Total Points: (5) 5 5 2 5 = 17/20
Section 5 - DialogueSECTION V: Total Points: (10) 7 7 10 10 = 34/40
Section 6 - StyleSECTION VI: Total Points: (5) 4 2 3 5 = 14/20
Section 7 - Mechanics and Pacing SECTION VII: Total Points: (20)12 8 20 20 = 60/80
Section 8 - Point Of View SECTION VIII: Total Points: (10)5 10 8 10 = 33/40
TOTAL = 228/260 Note that these totals have changed from what Meredith posted above. What did you especially like or dislike about the hero/heroine or both?Love the honeymoon phase.
characterization of both Lois and Clark to canon.
I like that I can identify with the hero and heroine.
The characters are real to me, fully developed. I also love your narrative
What are two areas you felt were well done?Great setting - very unique and different than the
usual Metropolis or Smallville setting. And I love Clark in "tour guide" mode.
The piece has woven a beautiful love story. The
elements come together seamlessly. The craft has been well learned.
(ed. Thank you, thank you whoever you are)I loved the imagery unveiled through the setting and the love the hero and heroine have for each other. The dialogue was realistic and characterized, and the
revelation at the end showing two normal people eating pancakes was perfect. The theme of a husband/wife relationship ran like a strong current throughout this piece.
I can't find anything I would change.
I love this vignette
The description of the area was very
well-defined. The story was well laid out.
What are two areas you felt needed work? Tell why and make suggestions.Too many POV changes for a piece this short. All that headhopping kept me confused. Also try to show and not tell.
Some of the phraseology was awkward and/or impossible.
"It was a short flight until she felt the ground
under her feet again" makes no sense and "He landed in the trees behind the Pancake House" makes you wonder how they got down from the trees. This is something that seriously diminishes the story.
While the story is very believable, there is no hook to encourage the reader to stay involved. While the writing style is very good, the descriptions of the setting are take up far too much of the story and encourage the reader to skim to find dialogue.
What, if anything, seemed clichéd to you? (Plot,characterization, dialogue, etc.)Some of the dialogue was very clichéd
Anything else?On the whole it was an interesting "travelogue" piece.
Very original and shows great promise as a longer
story. I'd like to see a story set in this locale with L & C as either visitors or reporters.
What I liked best about this entry.Overall, I love the snapshot of their new life
together.
It was a great travelogue piece and the area was very
well done.
What, in my opinion, need more work.Consistancy of style. Changes were choppy and the
transistions could have been smoother.
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So I think I'm low man on the pole, but the feedback was valuable to me. I just posted the story here and on Zoomway's boards, but it is part of the "World Tour" anthology by M.L. Thompson.
Artemis
